Go with the float

its not about locking things up

2012-01-28T22:22:00.000-06:00

we've been locking car keys, money and phones up for years. We know we need to reduce the temptations in order for the girls to be able to be successful. If they know they can't get to "things" we seldom have problems, they don't dwell on it, don't perservere.

Has that been the right thing to do?

How is that teaching them what they need to know in order to be successful outside this home? Last summer they spent one night at my parents house, my folks don't lock anything up, so the girls stole the car.

Seriously how do you ground a child who never gets asked to go anywhere? What I'm shooting for here is a brainstorm of potential ideas to help our kids, your kids, the kid down the street. We the parents on the frontline are going to have to come up with the answers. The pro's don't know, come on everyone brainstorm! our kids are eventually going to have to live in a world full of rules, assumed responsibilities, relationships that are not based on unconditional love.

How do we save them, from themselves? Question of the century....

observant

2012-01-27T09:53:00.000-06:00

I wish I wasn't so observant, so able to notice small things, cuz those small things always seem to become big things.
There was a day when I sailed along quietly in my own world, accepting and trusting. That boat sunk quite awhile ago. Its an interesting phenomenon how when raising a child with disorders and disabilities, overtime we seem to acquire the same triggers, hypervigilance, sensitivities, lack of impulse you name it.
I could've pretended not to notice that my daughters faces this morning were almost a pancake white. (their skin tone leans more to a light tan), I could've not asked what it was they used, I knew what it was. Before the holidays I took a good look in the mirror, didn't like what I saw. Normally I don't wear makeup. The circles/bruising under my eyes was significant, lack of sleep and alot of stress over the fall months. I didn't want to look back at another year of holiday photos with me looking like death warmed over. SO I splurged on some expensive undereye concealer, with my skin reactions I have to be careful what I use, I HID it.
This morning it was all over my daughters faces. This is not meant to be used over the entire face as it has undertones to it to match my face.
This isn't the first time I suspected, but its been a week of ISS, OSS, attitude and a major amount of lying, deceit and manipulation. Today I'd had it. Had they told me from the get go that it was my makeup, I would have let it go. But no, we had multiple creative versions for what it was, where it was and how they got it.
I spend probably 2-3 or more hours researching a day. Trying to find ways in which to counter act the lying, yes some refer to it as truth issues. How can I defend them in the upcoming years if I never, nor will anyone ever, be able to believe them? This factor compounds the already mounting pile of con's when seeking legal guardianship. The one Pro I stick to is that it is clearly evident that they will always need an external brain, they can not do medical, legal, financial, educational decisions with their lack of cause/effect, truthfulness and responsibility, they are incapable of making an informed decision.
In these moments we know that part of it, just is, we know they struggle is many areas, however we are not seeing them trying to do it differently or even attempting to. In their own words they will continue to do things that are wrong until someone catches them.
Now using my makeup is not the real issue, its the sneakiness, manipulation and lying, lack of respect. Some attributable to their FASD, some to their RAD and also their cognitive delays. That may be part of the reason, but the real concern is that they cannot continue going through life doing as they please, just because they want to, disability or not. Society, real world doesn't work on their terms. Roomates, courts, store owners are not going to give a hoot about their disabilities.
The girls have money of their own to spend on makeup etc... its not that we don't allow it. They continue to take from girls at school, I suspect shoplifting as well. Since I don't have any, it really hasn't been an issue, except that I observe each newly acquired item with a question of "where did you get that?"
At least 1-2x a week we stop afterschool to pick up groceries or something at stores where they could purchase their own. I ask them each time we are at a store, they say they don't need to buy anything. Which is true, because they don't want to spend their money, they know they can get what they need from someone else.

new talk

2012-01-24T22:38:00.001-06:00

Because I'm such a research and want to know why sorta person - lately there has been several pertinent articles I've found regarding children from international orphanages, children with FASD comorbid with various other disorders and you know what - been there done that, very little is new information to those of us who live it day after day. Frustrating to say the least. Part of me desires to rise up to the challenge and initiate a grassroots-parent inspired informational marathon, a big part of me desires this. However I know deep within that I can't do this right now.
We as a family are starting just yet another transition phase, in our world, your world if you read this is made of many such moments in time. There is no set date, no set age, nor is there any way to predict when these transitions deem it necessary to occur. We all live in such of state of suspense and chaos. We've had "stuff" brewing for a couple of weeks now, I knew that eventually it would all blow and come clean. It did. Had one daughter in ISS for most of the day and the other barely able to keep it under control. After school we had our biweekly therapy session, how timely.
When the therapists came out, not I, but one of my girls told her that we needed to have a group session first. Hmmmm, interesting. I laid it all on the table to the therapist, she got it, no let me rephrase this, she GOT it! we talked for awhile about serious concerns and where we needed to focus, and she GOT it! She then had her individual sessions with each girl, then asked me back in to run by some ideas for future needs. YES!
I'm going to be making a appointment with her to brainstorm some potential thoughts and ideas, she's on our side and wants us to succeed. This is so comforting given that we will be facing the next 10+ or so potentially horrible, difficult years.
I'm transitioning as well, I have had to detach in order to think clearly and see what lies ahead. Its going to hard, heartbreaking, emotionally exhausting etc. Knowing this ahead of time helps me. I can prepare my heart and my soul to see this through. We are all they have - literally. I will try to keep posting what I find out, how we survive, chances are though it won't all be easy or pretty.

difficult driving

2012-01-23T08:26:00.000-06:00

Minnesota winter is showing us who the boss is after teasing us with a mild season so far. Hope my crew get where they need to be this morning, Matt's car is not the most reliable, its an old car, what he wanted for a work car. I on the other hand get a little weird when I can't see out of the windsheild due to ice etc, I scrap and let the defrost have a chance. Alas... I need to just let it go, watching them fishtail out of the drive with only a small area cleared on the windshield. That was 45 minutes ago so they should be where they are going as I haven't gotten any phone calls yet.

Still meditating on how to move forward as our girls turn 18 in June. They still will have a year of high school left. We know they need us, that they wouldn't have a clue out on their own. Need to make a plan. I'm starting on their SSI forms and ran across the form for them to appoint a representative, this should not be a problem, the girls know they don't know so they will gladly have me continue to do the paperwork etc.

Quarter ends this week and then they switch their job placements with the school program. Hope it works out okay. Last week we had some attitude issues and a close call with ISS looming on the horizon. The thing is that when the girls get called out on behavior the majority of the time they will recognize what they did was wrong and can verbalize to the authority that what they did was wrong and apologize. The problem.... the next time all bets are off as they will still likely react in the same way, they can't stop themselves in the moment only afterward and as they get older its going to be too late for apologies to fix it all.

Wish we knew a responsible senior or even a young college girl who would want to mentor the girls on their language and public social skills. How to be a friend. How to allow others their space and maintain appropriate boundries with both boys/men and girls. We'd be willing to pay them out of pocket to spend a few hours each week with the girls. Matt and I can preach all we want, but we are adults and parents and have a lower standing than someone closer to their age. I think I'm wishing upon a star, unlikely to find someone both willing and understanding of the girls inabilities.

trying to be positve

2012-01-12T22:08:00.000-06:00

I don't blog much, I don't call anyone much, truly I have put my self into self imposed isolation. Why?
Because in doing so I feel I can make this work. I can somehow learn to let go of my daughters, grieve, do whatever it is I'm in theory suppose to do. Then I get this urge to write something down, I swore I would only be positive in my blogging, yet each and every time while I feel a sort of peace in doing it, I inevitably pay for it.
We've got really good kids, they cause less trouble then most teens their age. Yet there is this void, this part of our relationship that is so fake, so phony, so unreal to the rest of the world. We believe truly that our girls are as attached to us as they will ever be. We are the first ones they lie to, the first ones that they try and rage against, the first ones they push every button known to a child.

I did not respond, I did not give in to the reaction that was building inside me, I did not scream, rant or rave. I cried, quietly within, not letting them see it or feel it. I can't. If I show them weakness when they are on the attack all is lost. I detached. The very thing we are trying to overcome, I am finding I need to do in order to survive. Its not right, It feels so wrong. Yet because I didn't react, we had no rages, no violence, no words that could hurt the heart. I should feel proud that I maintained, I held up, but I don't. I feel empty.

everybody needs a project

2012-01-12T09:37:00.001-06:00

where's your husband after work? Mine will be making what seems to be a daily trip to Menards. Starting to think he's got a support group going on there! ;0) Actually its our house projects that keep him sane during the winter months. In the spring-fall we have so much to do outside, that winter gets long without projects. Hate to make generalized statements but it does seem that the male species can only hang onto and work on one project at a time. His intensity and focus is amazing... wish I had that!
Maybe its true that women work more efficently in an organized chaos type environment. As overwhelmed as I feel on a daily basis, thinking I'm never going to get it all done, and done right, in the end it always seems to work out.
In the last several years we haven't been able to do much socializing or trip taking due to the stress involved with our girls, so we have put that money to use fixing up our old farm house. Each year a different room or area gets picked to work on. We've also been able to make extra payments on our mortgage so unless something catastrophic happens, we may actually really own this place in couple more years! yeah!
Another benefit of always having these house/yard projects is that it also keeps our girls involved and busy. They have learned alot of skills over the years that will be of use as they step out on their own. How many of you with RAD/FASD kids can claim they can use power tools, knives, even chainsaws? Shingle a shed, put on vinyl siding, paint a house, put furniture together etc... So even while we have many fears and anxieties about our daughters and their future, somewhere along the way all these family work-a-thons must have paid off.
Outside of the continuing boy/male species obsession, comingled thusly with the lying and sneaking around..... our home is pretty quiet and routine. We're not raising kids who will be college bound, but they will have life skills that will add to their independence.

Two hour late start sanity check

2012-01-09T10:05:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is the two hour late start sanity check at Dunn Bros. Madison Avenue Mankato around 10am

frizzlefrat

2011-12-19T22:16:00.000-06:00

frizzlefrat
rumplestilskinpicklerelish
godblessamerica
@(#*&$^(*!)*)$*(#(*^@)#*(_!(_*#&(*&*($&)(!@)($*)!@*$()#&$(*#&$()!

sigh,
that just about sums up my life

3 are sane

2011-12-13T22:26:00.000-06:00

Well for the first sanity check in 2 hr late start Tuesday - at least 3 of us are sane, oh wait a minute when you find out who you may question that last statement. ;0)
It is really hard for me to go to group support meetings etc... at night. The only way I could figure out to get at least a toehold on sanity was to find some people who could meet during the school day - when I'm sorta free. So it was such a relief to have Kari and Claudia show up (before me!) truly I didn't expect anyone to come.
Life for me right now is chaotic and only a small part relates to my girls, tomorrow promises to be a crazy day for me, alot of driving and sitting at clinics, on one hand I am glad that I can be there for my parents and sister on the other... well sometimes it gets overwhelming being a caretaker for multiple family members yet having no real say in anything anyone does. I know my folks appreciate my being there and that is where I want to be. I struggle with my sister, only because in her there is no true thanks, just this expectation that everyone needs to take of her and its our fault when she makes bad choices.
Here's a good one for you - tonight after my girls therapy session, the therapist came out to check in with me and told me, for real, that I should be a psychologist - - - so much of what she is telling my girls, my girls are telling her that Mom already said that! Anyway I looked her in the eye and said that well I am number nine out of 12, and I'm really not a people person. She smiled and laughed and again told me how knowledgeable I am etc.... What is going on here?

2 hr late start sanity check

2011-12-12T18:37:00.000-06:00

Starting a sanity check-in for all interested parties in my area - on the Tuesday 2 hr late start mornings - tomorrow I'm starting, whether anyone else is there or not! ;0)
Dunn Bros on Madison Avenue around 10:00 am

teen girls

2011-12-12T10:34:00.000-06:00

Good Morning, we are still attempting but not seemingly having much success with our girls and their obsession with s.e.X and inappropriate contact with boys at school. Anyone out there that has found some success in working with teenage girls with this obsession. I just forwarded the most recent email from school to hubby. He needs to get to work on time and we had an arrangement with the school for us to be able to drop them off 5-10 minutes earlier than we had been. They have a shadow para in the mornings and they are suppose to be in the cafeteria until first bell. This was an effort to increase their social time so they would be better about getting to their classes on time. They had been absent or tardy pretty steadily so they could "hang out with friends" in the halls between classes. The school agreed it would be a good idea, but now they are using that extra time to get more involved with some of the boys. I say some of the boys, because their actual names seem to change at a frequent pace. So sad and so frustrating. Nothing we have tried and are still trying seems to have any effect more than the time it takes to discuss it. frizzlefrat!

lucky

2011-12-08T08:24:00.001-06:00

This morning as Matt was getting dressed for work, he was complaining about having to wear so many layers, he can barely move when he's working - he works mostly outside. And then he looked out our frosted bedroom window and stated that at least he doesn't have to sleep out there. Every year we talk about Maverick, a young man in town who is homeless, and from what my husband can put together, its by choice. He sees Maverick on a regular basis, hauling cans in for money. He either is walking or riding a bike. All the guys Matt works with have offered him rides, or to take him for lunch etc. Maverick always declines, he doesn't say much but is always polite and he's always clean. Matt figures he must go to the salvation army for showers and meals, we know roughly where he lives (outside), he's in his twenties/thirties we think. Maverick is only one of the "regular" homeless in this town. Where Matt works he sees most of them on a fairly regular basis. He and the guys get worried when somone doesn't show up for a while, especially in our Minnesota winters.

Matt then was telling me that this morning one of our girls told him how lucky she was, and he agreed and said how lucky all of us are. Then he quietly laughed and said it was too bad that our girls only have one outfit a piece, but at least they take turns wearing them.....meaning one girl wears an outfit 2-3 days in a row then she switches with her sister, same outfits - different girl ;0) Our girls have more clothes than they could possibly ever wear, but they still tend to go in streaks of wearing the same thing for many weeks until it is nasty, then they switch to something else. They obsess about how they look in that particular outfit, we figure someone at school, a teacher or student must have made a comment about how nice they looked in it, so that's all they wear. I guess if that's all we need to fret about, its not worth the energy, we know eventually someone will make a comment and they'll do the switch a roo.

blessed driver

2011-11-30T22:38:00.000-06:00

Why can't the rest of the world just let it be!
I can't count how many times in the last month the girls and I have been asked about when they will get their drivers license. They are 17 going on 18 in June. Well, I and Matt are looked at as tho' we are the meanies here, so this is what I'm telling people including their therapist and the girls - they can go get their license anytime, when they can pay for the classes and pass the test. Just because they have a license in their hands doesn't mean they get to drive our vehicles. For us to hand them the keys to our car is the equivalent to handing them to a 12 year old or younger. Personally I would rather go to a graduation, senior prom even a bloody wedding then have to go to their funerals.
You see the girls think that if they have a license they can then drive the car when and where they want. Sorry, before I let someone drive my car - I need to be able to trust them. I need to know that before I put them in control of a 2 ton vehicle, that they can see cause and effect, take responsibility for their actions, be in control even when stressed out. Driving is a priviledge, not a right, too many lives are at stake.
My girls just got done with their 3 year school evaluations, while we don't agree completely with the results, the bottom line is that the school will continue to qualify them for special ed under the DCD - Developmentally Cognitive Delay title. Our girls continue to show progress each year and are controlling their agression better at school. We believe in part due to their being in the Community Based Work Program. They spend a little over 3 hours off campus going to work for businesses in the community, each quarter they are to switch jobs so they get a broader feel for different skills and abilities. So far So good.
Some days I just want to scream and shout to all the professionals and the community - That although my daughters appear to be very typical teenagers - the are really, developmentally young children, they have little impulse control, very little ability to put cause and effect into place in the moment.
I am growing a backbone, I no longer worry about what others think of me as a Mom , I simply don't have time to fret about it. I know my girls need support and supervision - wishing alot of "typical" parents were more involved and supervised their kids, their setting a bad example for mine ;0) !!

Needed to share

2011-11-21T19:54:00.002-06:00

My daughter came to me tonite and asked if I could type out and print a poem she had written - well sure I can....
Here it is

Poem about my Mom - 11/20/2011

My Mom is a beautiful

Star in the sky.

She is there shinning all around

Me. She talks to me when

I am sad, mad or lonesome. She

Is a beautiful star that helps

My family out. She holds me

When I need hugs or when

I need a kiss on the cheek

She never gaved up on me

The beautiful star keeps holding

Me. She smiles down on me.

When it is dark she lights

Up the whole sky. It makes

The night full of Joy & Love around

She loves me with all her

Heart that’s why she brought

Me & my sister home because

She new she would be a great

Mother to be around with &

She is a great beautifull star

She picked two kids that

Are hard on her but she never

Gaves up. Thank you beautifull

Star for being here when I

Need you. You are the only

One I can think of when I

Look up at the Sky.

Jules Demuth

I'm Hot!

2011-11-14T19:39:00.000-06:00

as in I am so-o-o-o Hot! Because my daughters keep telling me that I am so-o-o-o not Cool! Finally I am Hot, yes sir, one Hot Mama sitting here........ snark, snark ;0)

I could make time I suppose

2011-11-10T22:45:00.000-06:00

Throughout the day I constantly am pondering, meditating, basically writing down my thoughts in my own way, yet can;'t seem to pull it together for a descent blog write. There is so much I would like to share, so much information that could maybe help others, but I sit here, late at night (cuz I have trouble sleeping....) and it blurs...
For those of you with an interest or a life involving institutionalized international adoption, one place I found shortly after our girls came home was Center for Cognitive and Developmental Assessment and Remediation http:/bgcenter.com/

I get their updates via email and their last article was on emotional therapy dogs -- I am a HUGE believer in animals reaching our children with attachment disorders, a HUGE believer. Granted I am also an old Vet Tech with a HUGE love of dogs to begin with. Its funny/coincedental that in the last week two family members, seperate of each other both got puppies. For one, Matt's neice, who is not an animal person, however she and her young sons were here for the girls confirmation and her youngest son just couldn't not be by our dog Bear. He even took his Mom's hand and said to her, its okay Mom you can pet her, she's really soft and feels so good. ( a week later we get an email announcing their new family member)
Then my sister calls, she's been struggling alot in the last year in many areas, again not an animal person, she is a pediatric nurse working in NICU - she had 5 kids and also suffers from chronic lyme's disease. They went and got a puppy, and her oldest the one who is struggling the worst with life (15) well lets just say the ice is melting around the iceberg and he is becoming again the kind and gentle soul we used to know. So she is calling her pup the Therapy dog because she feels it, and each of her kids feel it in their own way --- the unconditional love, the unconditional need to touch and be touched, the unconditional need to be part of something more.....
I'm Loving It!
Before kids - let's just say, I was happy to be Mom to some beautiful big brown eyes, greeting me each and every day with a wag of the tail and heart that was smiling! It feels good to be needed, It feels good to be loved - no matter what

what's mine is his and what's his is mine

2011-11-07T10:55:00.000-06:00

Just got back from signing our wills and health care directives, we are also setting up supplemental needs trusts for the girls. Finding that I have a stronger need to get this paperwork in order sooner than later. Its somewhat a relief to have this in place, didn't realize how much it had been weighing my brain down, always the attitude of we'll get around to it then never do. Having to educate this lawyer on FASD, he's very interested as it is new to him and his staff. Next time we go in - he's getting the binder with accompanying CD. We need more educated professionals and people willing to learn and help the families of these children in the long term.

Informational web site

2011-11-04T11:22:00.000-05:00

For those of you living with Rages and Aggression, there is a website called Out of the Fog, that has some good articles. Given that many of us are dealing with more than just personality disorders, take the information with a grain of salt and adjust to your situation. I can't just leave when a rage is taking place, sometimes there is no choice but to stay and deal with it. Anyway this topic seems to be a trend in our families thought I'd pass it forward.

3-year evaluation

2011-11-04T08:27:00.000-05:00

One down, One to go

Julia made it through her testing, a long process for a kid who hates tests. Who doesn't want others to know that she can't do it.... She knows she's not like other kids her age, why does everyone else need to know? A very profound question from a girl who lacks self confidence and self worth to begin with. She shut down during some of the testing, especially in the language areas where her cummalitive delays really are her down fall. She tested at an IQ of 70 this time so she will still retain her special ed services. U of M tested her at a 68 two years ago. Her language grade age is roughly 7-9 years old, she did shut down during this part so she could possibly be a little higher more in the 10-12 year range.

Knowing that the school doesn't use the more intense testing that the U of M uses, I was worried that she might not qualify under DCD and that would not be good for her in the long term. Matt was able to come to the meeting with me this time, and everyone is very focused on getting the girls what they will need to increase their work skills and independant living skills. Much of the independant living skills will be done by us I'm sure. We have an understanding and positive group of people working with the girls at school, they are doing their best.

I think many parents go into these situations not being very realistic with what the schools can or cannot provide. Just as we've always known with our daughters, that they don't fit into traditional parenting or teaching, they also don't fit the programs entirely either. Its that invisible aspect of our girls disability that boots them out of the standard settings. Alot of their frustration and anger is the knowledge that they want to be like everyone else, but they aren't. No amount of encouragement or support from us will change this feeling, we hope someday they will have the ability to accept and like who they are without comparing to others. The girls have been in the community based work program this past quarter and are doing well. The employers appreciate their hard work and are allowing them to do jobs that otherwise the students are not allowed to do. This has been a very positive step for both girls. It gets them out of the classroom and out of the school drama for 3 hours, enough time to recharge and let go of alot of the anxieties/stress, competition felt at school.

Their new counselor is really focusing on the Reactive Attachment aspect of their mental health. Primarily on their anger issues. She is quite concerned about the anger towards me, well not towards me personally, but the fact that they let loose on me when they are angry or frustrated about something or someone else. Typically some drama from school. I take this as a positive step for them. Not much has really changed since we started therapy again, although the girls are now being held accountable by someone else for their actions and that doesn't always sit well. Its also a paper trail for us incase life becomes complicated again. Its clear that the girls are attached to me, probably as much as they ever will be. They also have expressed to her that they want to stop being mean to me, they just can't. They explain that Mom is there, she's always there so that is why they take it out on me. I get it, don't like it, hard to take some days, but I get it - therefore I can let it go and keep moving forward.
Tori starts her testing next week -
The sun is out and the wind hasn't started yet - so outside I go

Hang on

2011-11-01T22:27:00.000-05:00

Its been awhile, I think, but maybe not.... anyway we can cross off another life experience our girls can share with their peers - They were beautiful and gracious and really into it, they were Confirmed on Sunday! We also survived with glorious marks the reception or gathering at our house afterward. Tori was trying to jump out of her skin at church, but held it together, Julia looked ready to kill but again made it through and they were so good to everyone who came. They played with all the kids, they fussed over gifts and cards.... dare I say - I am so PROUD!

Granted the biblical teachings are above and beyond the girls right now, but then again, we have planted roots - and the girls love going to church..... the majority of my staff are church members and part of our local neighborhood, so ya know what? Its a village, its dynamic and I sure have the prettiest DUO in the neighborhood!

sabotage

2011-10-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

Hi - any of you out there that have every event, every special occasion, every just out of the regular routine - Sabotaged!
yes, this is our life isn't it. Its also very good when we as parents and family recognize the efforts that are made to sabotage any and every potential happy event. Its the anxiety, its the anticipation, its..... LIFE.
Our girls have confirmation on Sunday, they have gone through - no let me rephrase - we have gone through two years of classes, none of which the girls understand or remember, but this is a life event! They need the stories and the been there done that which most of our kids go through. Actually the girls love church, they love participating and the music. We have family coming on Sunday, the girls are so excited, anxious, obnoxious and not very nice right now..... this is life folks, if your on this road and you want happy memories... Remember that how your kids behave or handle events or occasions, is well, it just is. Enjoy, let it go, let them be who they are and move forward. It really doesn't matter if the house is clean or the food is just right. Its about relationship and Love. Acceptance comes hard, but it will be worth it. Hang in there - we are!

Mom your always harping on me!

2011-10-26T08:17:00.000-05:00

I hate my place in the mornings, my drill sargeant/police routine. I've tried the silence, the not reminding or remembering for my daughters as they continue to head down dangerous roads. I doesn't work. If we don't bring it up, remind them of what they need to do - they think they can continue the dangerous behavior because no one said or did anything. Its typically me, because Matt doesn't want the drama. Well guess what! I'm not thrilled about being the nasty Mom. I don't like the Mom I have to be, repeat I have to be, because if I'm not - who else will?
If someone doesn't harp on them, remind them that people are watching them and trying to keep them safe, trying to remind them to make good choices..... well I doubt they would still be living here at home. They would be off with some guy, being treated like trash and thrown away in a very short time - when their attitude/mouth was more than the guy wanted. This desparate need our girls have to be involved physically with guys gets increasingly more difficult to manage. There has got to be a way to help them simmer it down - there's got to be! sigh.

no contact rule

2011-10-15T22:20:00.000-05:00

No one actually has verified this - but listening to my special ed sibs in the education field, most schools have a no handle, no restraint type rule. I got called in again Friday to pick up my "son", truthfully when I got there I was under the impression he was destroying the room. He wasn't. Yes he was kicking at chairs and pulling papers off the tables, but again he is 7, weighs about 50 pounds at the most. He was sitting in a chair refusing to work. Surrounded by EBD teachers/staff. He was front and center, had all the attention and he was working them. I came in, he said he wasn't leaving with me, I said your right, we're not leaving until the mess is cleaned up and you apologize. I then put my hands on his shoulders from behind, applied gentle pressure and talked with the staff. He was being a stinker, but not what I would call in a rage by any means. A rage is full blown, out of the mind, illogical behavior. This boy was seeking attention, and he got it. He had them all there.
I continued to apply pressure and I could feel him relax against me. This kid needed to be held in the worst way and I thought to myself, the heck with the school and all the rules. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him close. He giggled. Then he started to kick out with his legs, so I picked him up and held him tight in the air. He giggled again. Then I let him flop forward so I was only holding him by the waist and he completely relaxed. We went back and forth for awhile until I felt he was past it. I let him down, he apologized to the staff, put the chairs back around the table and we left. He was good for me while grocery shopping and while having to wait to get the girls from school.
This boy has a get out of school free card. He's got the staff completely in his control. What do we do? This is different than my girls, in that my girls wanted to be in school. This boy does not want to be in school, he hates it.
His world has been turned upside down and inside out in the last few years, months, weeks. How do you consequence a child who is acting out of fear, insecurity and desparate need for attention.?
I understand the need for the no contact rule, but a child like this is not going to respond to time out, he needs time in. He needs to feel the contact, the connection, to be rooted down. Any suggestions on working with the teachers? I offered to them the option of having me come and sit with him, rather than removing him from school. They have their hands tied. His mom might be coming home at the end of the month but nothing definate, and we still need to work out a transitioning home for her as well. I guess I'll play it by ear.

this is so stupid

2011-10-13T22:23:00.000-05:00

really this is so stupid, I'm sitting here, by myself ready to take on the world - let me have it!
Three years ago we hit the major wall, until then we had been on our own, doing the best we could, not having a clue to the community around us that also lived our lives. In one day, one stinking awful yet beautiful day, I found Coffee (Kari). No less than 5 different sources that day, that awful beautiful day, led me to a person who has and continues to give more than she can give to other families that live her life.
The internet can be a bounty of information, it can be the link you need in times of stress or confusion. It can be a way to share or vent or gather. It does not mean, that simply because of distance or lack of personal touch that we have the right to undermine or intimidate those who speak their hearts. If you want to bully or defile, do it in person - face to face. Know to whom you are attacking, put yourself in their shoes for a day, then be critical and condemning. But know your facts, know yourself, be responsible in your remarks and be accountable. Undue harm is caused when we shout out our discontent without considering the aftermath. So you've had a rough time and need to avenge. Be sure it is directed at the source from which it started, not someone who has given all they have only to be told its not enough.

respite

2011-10-13T07:56:00.000-05:00

There are three of us helping out a woman who voluntarily went into treatment. I am doing respite for the two who are the main respite caregivers for this woman's son. For the second time this boy raged at school and destroyed property yesterday. On those days when the school won't let him stay, he comes here with me. Since I work from home I can be more flexible than the other two who need to keep their jobs.

Its been interesting, training two adults on how to manage and deal with the exhaustion of taking care of a child, who rages and refuses. What I mostly do is listen and praise them for their choices and their patience and offer understanding when they are against the wall.

This boy is 7 years old. He has been through multiple trauma's and I have no doubt feels like he has lost everything. Yesterday when he initially came here he was withdrawn and did the dead man's refusal. He wouldn't walk, or move unless you had his hand in yours. He came around for me and we had a good day together. When I took him to meet up with the other caregiver last night he started to pull the routine again. I talked to her later and he came back around and they had a good night. This morning however the school insists that this 7 year old participate in a conversation about yesterday before they let him back in. Ridiculous!

I was asked to be available again, and I will be, this little guy is just caught in the whirlwind of life. He is angry and confused and frustrated and he really doesn't want to be at school. He wants his Mom and he wants to go home. In my mind the school just reinforced that if you destroy the room - you don't have to come too school. This boy is intelligent, even if some of his wires are crossed, he understands consequences and how they work.
His consequence - being at the farm, in a quiet non stressful environment. Hey! That's why I'm out here too!

chaperone

2011-10-08T01:03:00.000-05:00

Well I can honestly say I didn't make the girls too many friends tonight. I had an epiphany tonight admist chaos and trauma. I am done with being the B*&^ch, the police, the guarddog, the one who always catches them in the act and ruins the night.

I caught them at the football game, I busted them, I talked at them, I was ready to go home.... then I decided, no! They were going to go to the flipping homecoming dance and have fun even if it kills me.!!

We went to the dance, they had a good time, I continued to bust other students for inappropriate behavior and then we came home.

I am the one who let them go to the dance! This will remain in memory for a while, I was not the one who ruined their night. Please God, let this memory stick with them for years to come, Mom was the one who still let them go.... please....

Homecoming tonight

2011-10-07T08:08:00.000-05:00

This is the first year the girls participated in some of the daily school dress up days - yesterday they wore their class colors and today they left wearing their school colors, they don't really care for the weird dress up days. That's okay, takes the stress out. Today is deemed a non-academic day so school is optional, with an open lunch. The girls won't be going to their work program this morning, instead the day is full of scheduled activities - fingers crossed! - they've been doing pretty good with the transition this fall, after we got past the first 2-3 weeks they seem to have settled in. Matt will pick them up for the open Lunch as historically allowing them a free unsupervised lunch hour has not gone well. Tonight is the football game followed by dance/bingo/kareoke. I get to attend all of these - yeah me... - I don't mind really as long as the girls are doing well.
Tomorrow is their last soccer game vs. the other school in our town, rivals, we beat them badly last time... the girls are not liking the fact that soccer is over, hopefully that won't translate into a rough after sports transition.
Anyone in my school area that would like to chaperone with me tonite? I can get you in free! ;0)

The work program the girls are in this year seems to be working well. Getting them out of the school environment has helped. I have a meeting on Monday - a preevaluation meeting. Our girls are due for their 3 year reevaluation for services etc... This should be interesting, given their current IEP is seldom followed regarding their academic needs. At leasst we have the progress of no rages this fall so far, a first for us. They are slowly moving forward at their own pace, given how tired we are I think I can slow down and walk it with them.

The day before I leave and this is my horoscope! geez....

2011-09-29T22:25:00.000-05:00

Someone close has a secret agenda -- one that might not please you all that much. You may want to just decide that ignorance is bliss, as it's going to be difficult to figure out what's really going on.

I'm gonna go with ignorance is bliss, not much I can do anyway but pick up the pieces as they fall.

Rumplestilskinpicklerelish!

Going to camp tomorrow

2011-09-29T08:34:00.000-05:00

This is the first time since I was 10 that I have gone to camp.
This is the first time in ten years I will be away from home without family with me.

I am apprehensive as the girls really don't like it when I am not home, they don't necessarily need to be home, but in their minds that is where I belong. If I have appointments or meetings etc.. they want to know not when the appointment is, but when I will be back home. This whole week has been full. I've got alot to finish up before I leave tomorrow.

Matt told me I have to go, that I need to start having a life. True, I won't have family physically with me, although the retreat I'm going to is for adoptive Mom's so my family will remain present in my mind.

My sister and her husband are coming home for the weekend to spend time with Mom while I'm gone. Mom is doing really well, but I will rest easier if someone is around - just in case. Dad needs to work on his equipment as harvest is soon upon us. Oh, did I tell you that the first week Mom was home from the hospital, Dad fell off the ladder? I'm guessing a good 15ft drop, he's banged up and brusied with some nasty gashes but nothing appears broken. This is why I need someone there.

Matt is trying to come up with a busy schedule for the weekend to keep the girls busy and distracted. His Mom may come to our house for a visit - so I have some cleaning to do! His Mom is very particular and let's be real, I am no Susie Homemaker. Matt and I just aren't into design and lots of material, we do our own home repair/remodeling, we're pleased, but it won't be in any magazine. ;0) Hopefully without me here to feel the criticism, the visit will go fine. Typically Matt goes to her house, but the girls don't want to make the 2 hour drive.

I believe I have stated before that when my greenhouse season is done, I become a bit of a recluse. I lost my knack for social skills upon our adoption, my world revolves around my family, that's all the energy I have. It takes work to maintain friendships and social ties. I was never much of a social butterfly to begin with, preferring instead the outdoors and books. I enjoy people, enjoy laughter and conversations etc.. just not very confident, especially around other women.

I feel I understand to a degree how my daughters feel, when they are in a situation that is out of their box. On one hand its exciting, on the other a little scary. Also knowing that my knowledge of world events or current hot topics is not my focus, I hope I can carry a conversation that isn't related to raising my girls, the struggles and joys of keeping our marriage strong, how to dance in the rain after the storm passes. For two weeks now I have been singing to my self as I work -

I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain... What a glorious feeling! I'm happy again! Just singing in the rain..... I think I'll bring an umbrella to the retreat, in case I need to break into song and dance! :0)

My morning routine of flipping out

2011-09-26T07:49:00.000-05:00

Dang but I wish I could get better control, of course even the mornings I do have some control they push me until I flip anyway.
I hate having to do the backpack checks - there is always something in there that does not belong to them. I cannot tolerate the smartmouth attitude, nasty trashmouth ......... rumplestilskinpicklerelish

Seriously - If I don't hold them accountable, No one would. Matt wouldn't even think to check packs and they seldom smart/back mouth him. Matt doesn't read the signs of up to something. The school, the school seems to let them get away with it, time and again. Until of course something really bad happens then we get the email asking us what they should do. Such as the email we got at 3:45pm Friday. Our daughter was bullying another student on Thursday, witnessed by substitute teacher and para's and other students in the class. Evidentally witnessing means they don't stop it, they just record it and pass the buck. We were informed that if it happens again she will be suspended, could we please talk with her.

Yeah, we talked to her, she had all the right words, no empathy or feeling remorse however. Does the school really think after all these years and multiple incidents that "talking" to her works? It didn't when they talked to her, why would it when we do?

I am just so disappointed in myself for flipping again this morning! I hate them leaving the house under such tension, it never bodes well. I am going to pay for it.

a new counselor

2011-09-23T08:24:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of this school year we decided to try couseling again. It has never been very successful in prior years, the girls lack of emotional maturity was usually the case when the Dr. would tell us they've done all they can.

This time may be different. We've spent alot of time in the last couple of years working on the attitudes and behaviors, the why's of what they do and to whom. This counselor seems to be very concerned with the girls lack of respect towards us - the parents, especially me. No doctor has ever shown the least bit of concern for us before! The girls see her weekly right now for individual, alone therapy. They mostly discuss school and anger issues and how they treat me. She is amazed that the girls do seem to be building a conscience or at least awareness of how mean they can be. She was not expecting this, she expected coldness and complete self centered thinking. My daughters often tell her she sounds just like me, hey we've had to go it alone all these years, someone had to be the researcher/therapist.

Home life here has been fairly quiet after we got through the first few weeks of school. Its the knowing that this could change in a flash second that keeps my nerves vibrating on high.

What we really need her to work on with the girls, is their obsession with the male species and the danger they put themselves in. Also their social skills and want to use foul, nasty language at school and in sports. They still struggle terribly with correctly reading social cues and understanding what the other kids are saying, doing and the why's behind all that.

We can handle the nastiness towards us, simply because we know deep down it has nothing to do with us. They give us their anger out of frustration from their day of trying to cope with the stresses of school and peer groups. They don't "want" to hurt us, they just can't always stop themselves. In truth we believe them to be as attached to us as they will ever get. Despite the threats or angry words, they know they can't do it alone.

The trick to being their parent.... is being able to prove that we are strong enough to keep them safe.

When we catch them, or stop them from doing something dangerous, after the meltdown.... there is that relief, that indication that they knew they had no control, they were just doing what their bodies/minds told them to. To think past the moment, past the rush of adrenaline is really hard for my girls. They literally need someone to jump in front of them and say STOP. They don't like it, they want that rush, but that is our job, that's part of parenting. It will become harder in the years to come as they want to spread their wings and fly as adults, we won't have them in our sights all the time like we do now. We will just have to be the soft place to land from time to time, hopefully they will continue to want us to be there.

My husband and I have discussed this future alot lately. We know that initially we will be blamed for all that goes wrong in their lives. How do you deal with that? In part you simply have to accept that that is a fact if our lives and do the best with it we can. You set up support, you document, you record and reach out to as many people you can to try and build a net of support for both yourselves and your child. You find ways to laugh until you cry so your blood pressure goes down - something I desperately need to do - real soon.

All losses need to be grieved for

2011-09-21T08:43:00.000-05:00

Rereading this today, not sure why, really, maybe its because someone else needs to read it

All losses need to be grieved for, obvious losses as well as symbolic losses, such as the loss of hopes and dreams, or the loss of what never will be. Since families who seek out planned and crisis respite services are also families experiencing some kind of loss, knowledge of the grief process, and how to assist someone in the process, can enhance one's effectiveness and sensitivity to families in need.

Grief is a natural response to loss, and it can unfold in many ways. The experience of grief wears many faces for families whose lives are challenged by change, turmoil, illness, death and/or the loss of hopes and dreams. Grief is a process not easily acknowledged in our society, particularly the grief of experiences other than death. Yet grief is often an integral part of most life changes and experiences. Families who can acknowledge their grief and learn healthy ways to express their pain can then free their emotional energies to focus on life and the challenges ahead. Grief that is not allowed a healthy release frequently finds expression in anger, abuse and/or neglect of a loved one, substance abuse, illness and sometimes by the sabotaging of another's efforts to help.

Grief is one's own personal experience of loss. Mourning, on the other hand is "grief gone public." It is the outward sharing and expression of the pain. Sometimes it is helpful to make a distinction between the two in order to understand that there are some individuals in our society who have "permission" to grieve but cannot mourn. Society does not easily acknowledge the grief of a parent whose child is born with a disability, parents who experience a miscarriage, families where a loved one is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, families affected by AIDS, or dementia, such as Alzheimer’s, etc. It is important to remember that all losses need to be grieved in some way.

　
Consider these all-too-common grief myths:

Myth #1: It's possible to cry too much.

Everyone grieves differently. There's no single correct way to express the pain, sorrow, yearning, and other aspects of the transition of adjusting to the death of a loved one. Intense responses are sometimes seen as "losing control," when in fact they're simply how that person is actively (and productively) processing the loss.

Myth #2: If you don't cry now, it'll be worse later.

Some people never cry. Tears or outward expressions of anguish simply aren't everyone's grieving style, says psychologist Neimeyer. This doesn't mean they're grieving less intensely than a visibly shaken individual, or that they loved the person who died any less. Nor does a lack of obvious emotion mean the griever has an emotional block or problem or will face a longer, more difficult adjustment to the loss.

Myth #3: Grief is something you "get over."

Most people never stop grieving a death; they learn to live with it. Grief is a response, not a straight line with an endpoint. Many psychologists bristle at words such as "acceptance" or "resolution" or "healed" as a final stage of grief. The real stages of grief involve tasks of processing and adjustment that one returns to all through life.

Myth #4: Time heals slowly but steadily.

Time is the commodity through which a grieving person sorts through the effects and meaning of a loss. But that process isn't a steady fade-out, like a photograph left in the sun. Grief is a chaotic roller coaster -- a mix of ups, downs, steady straight lines, and the occasional slam. Periods of intense sadness and pain can flare and fade for years or decades.

Myth #5: Grieving should end after a set amount of time.

Ignore oft-quoted rules of thumb that purport to predict how long certain types of grief should last. "We grieve for a lifetime, because we're forever working to incorporate the death into our own tapestry of life."

Learning how to grieve is ultimately part instinct, part stumbling along, part slogging along -- a bit like learning how to live.

Just a thought

2011-09-20T18:34:00.000-05:00

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
It's about learning how to Dance in the rain.

last two weeks

2011-09-18T22:41:00.000-05:00

flibbertygidget
frizzlefrat
lord have mercy
for heaven's sake
for pete's sake
snarky, snarky, snarky
insane
whhat now?
you've got to be kidding me
really? no seriously? really!?
amazing
unbelievable
joyous
scared
nervous
anxiety
positive
little moments
success
laughter
exhausted.

Holiday at the Hospital

2011-09-05T23:14:00.000-05:00

Dad called me last night around 9:15 - his code name for emergency?.... "we're going dancin' tonite", that means ..... he called 911 because Mom was in trouble. I got to their house just after they had loaded Mom into the ambulance. We spent the night at the hospital while the ER staff tried to get her stable. Finally moved her to ICU after some pretty scary, this is it, we're losing her now... moments.
The MRI machine is broken and we spent the day waiting for it to get fixed. Finally around 6pm today they were able to MRI. They had done a CT scan earlier this morning, noted two spots on her brain and damage to her heart. Around 9 tonite we finally got the results of the MRI. No more new spots, no increase in the two existing spots, improved movement overall. Good news! Tonight she was finally out of pain and able to rest! YEAH!
The effects of one person on the lives of so many.. cannot be calculated, cannot be measured in any form. The ER nurse last night asked if I was an only child. I laughed at her as I was watching the monitor above my Mom's head as she was crashing...... I said no... I am number 9 out of 12. She looked at me like I was from outer space... where is everyone else? I told her we (Dad and I) hadn't told the rest of the crew yet, cuz when they come, and they will... you will wish we hadn't told them. They were able to stablize her finally and move her to ICU, shortly after Dad and I left for home. I went to bed at 5, got up at 8.
This morning Mom gave me the okay to start calling my siblings. Within hours they began to merge on the ICU, who were adamant that only two could sit with her at a time. I agree, I told them, I also said good luck cuz the ones from out of town will be calling in minutes.
I am bad. We had the nurses put up a sign on Mom's door (in case I was available) NO VISITORS until you talk with a nurse. I know its selfish, but Mom was in so much pain, she needed quiet, not the chaos that follows my family like shadows.
Phone calls got refused, so I spent alot of time today on the phone, reassuring out of staters that Mom was okay, that while their was some damage, it could have been worse.
My family? MY Matt and MY girls, have been awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All are being supportive and understanding of my needing to be at the hospital. The girls have told me they want me home, they feel better when I'm home but they understand I need to help Poppa and Grandma right now.
In a twisted, illogical way, this indears my heart to my daughters even more. They don't like their Mom being gone, they don't like their schedules or plans messed with, yet they are trying their hardest to understand and help the best they can.
Julia made a batch of chocolate chip cookies and Tori made an apple pie, all on their own, while I was gone, for me to share with Poppa and Grandma and the people at the hospital. They know they can't see Grandma cuz' she's in ICU, and they are feeling the loss. This is the first time, really that they are feeling someone else's pain and trying in their way to understand and support. I feel this is HUGE and so does Matt. Matt my rock, my love, my strength. I will go now. I am tired and tomorrow we start the cardio workup, we know there is some damage, just not the extent of it. Love and Peace to all tonite as school starts tomorrow for most in my area. Please let it be a school stress free day! Amen!

laughing out loud

2011-08-27T23:04:00.000-05:00

I just need to share this... Friday I was to meet my little sister to go to a movie. I was early - she was late, the usual. There is a store across from the movie theatre that I love, I can always find something there that tickles me. To kill time while waiting I went "window shopping" as money is tight and oh... I am so bad.... ;0)
I bought this silly little plaque, but ya know what - it made me laugh out loud, by myself, I had to buy it.
It is white with black letters saying the following...

I HAVE FLYING MONKEYS
and I'm not afraid to use them!

seriously, I laughed outloud, and chuckled all the way to the cash register, where in I also bought the acoustical cafe CD that was playing at the time, love it!

For those of you who don't "get it", it refers to the wicked witch of the west in the Wizard of Oz. Matt and the girls hate the flying monkeys - I think their great! hence .... the humor, as in this house I am more the wicked witch, then Glenda the good witch of the North.. Oh come on! Its hilarious! I'm smiling now just thinking of it.....

baby mode

2011-08-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

I find it interesting that when my girls are up to something, such as trying to engage Mom in a nonsensical battle.... they slide into baby mode. Baby talk, toddler antics, extremely immature and illogical fantasy world.
A coping mechanism maybe... not comfortable in their grown up bodies and the grown up world. Its easier I'm sure to fantasize about being a little child, few if any consequences, grown ups laugh at the antics and say "oh how sweet" or "isn't that cute". Its not cute on a typical appearing 17yr old. It is somewhat disconcerting. Especially when they on one hand want to flaunt their bodies and engage any male in the area and at the same time start making baby noises and acting like they are 6.

We have tried to parent the child standing in front of us, the emotional child not the physical one. Perhaps that wasn't the way to do it. We just felt that given their deprivation for the first 7 years that we would see regression into those stages they missed. However the real, grown up world hits next June when they turn 18. In fact the real world has hit us already, but they are just not there yet. The consequeces and effects of their behavior and emotional state means nothing to them. They don't recognize the differences. They do and feel whatever it is in that moment, there is nothing we can do to help them with that, or so it seems. We tell them what we see and hear, they argue and disagree.

We need at least another 7 years to get them closer to level of maturity where they will be able to function in the world that is fast approaching.

We are starting therapy again, I don't know, I have mixed feelings about it. As nice as it is to have someone else to hear our concerns, they really don't seem to get the complexity or the complete dysmaturity involved. I shouldn't judge yet, we have had only one session with two different facilities. I wanted options, didn't want to put all our eggs in one basket.

One facility will help us with transition into adulthood needs - or so they say, again our daughters just aren't even close to being able to live somewhere else, they still need Mom and Dad daily, for everyday stuff. But Mom and Dad have realized, that we can't protect them from themselves anymore, we need help. And as my one daughter pointed out again last night, she doesn't want a mom or dad that cares, she wants the one that will let her do whatever she wants. sigh.

RAD - WHY!?

2011-08-24T20:45:00.000-05:00

I am unable lately to be patient with daily mantra of I don't want you for a Mom, I don't want you to care, I can do it all alone etc...

I hate this disorder more than FASD and any of the others. This one is so twisted and illogical in its rearing of its ugly head. I look at my beautiful daughters and want to scream - dear Lord, WHY? Why do they have to live in that world, what is the reason for this constant struggle, battle, heartache and pain. I just can't wrap my head and emotions around it. She is so close to overcoming it, so very close and then the facade drops down and it starts all over from the beginning again. She is so unhappy, yet she won't acknowledge it, can't accept it. dear Lord, WHY?

a glimpse of RAD

2011-08-21T22:33:00.000-05:00

For those of you starting this journey of reactive attachment disorder.. let us tell you, it does not get cured in one or two years. You need to think of lifetime. These kids were so badly damaged in their childhood that it will, literally take a lifetime to begin to heal or repair some, and I say some, because you will never heal it all. It will always be apart of your child. The abuse, neglect and deprivation your child has endured and survived is never going to completely go away. So get that out of your heads!

Our kids will always wonder, will always fear, will always be waiting for the next "parents" to throw them away. You and I are walking the same trail, granted some of us deviate from the ascribed path, however - remember - you are NOT ALONE. Our children require more and yet more than we think we can give. It is not their fault. Yes it angers us, frustrates us, confuses us. But really, when you sit back do you think they wanted their lives to be this freakin' bizarre? No. The answer is NO. I live with twin child-girl-woman kids. They don't honestly have a clue. They don't. I can want it for them, their Dad can want it for them, but it just isn't there. They are a living , breathing, combination of every stage of life. From one room to the other - their age or behavior will change. We have seen infant type behavior, toddler, child, preteen, teen. That is the effect of having your brain fried, damaged beyond repair, body used/abused/thrown away.
Seriously, how do you discipline a child who knows not what they do. Even if they recognize the wrong of what they are doing? They cannot stop themselves.

Given the week of hel.l we've had...

Tonight we played two games of Yahtzee, the girls struggled to count their dice.... they are 17. At bedtime it was kisses and hugs and a reminder to STAY HOME TONITE!

What else can we do?

My sibs are laughing....

2011-08-20T22:38:00.000-05:00

Given our recent discovery of the girls sneaking out several times a week, all summer, during the hours of 12-3 am, granted they were sleeping in our front porch during that time due to extreme heat..... anyway that is only the beginning. My girls are displaying truly pychotic type behaviors. My sisters are calling to see if I need a pep talk... I say "what do ya got? I'll take what I can get!" and we laugh.
Cuz' really that's all I can do, is laugh between the tears. I'm not going to go into details but we are dealing with very creepy, spooky, out of my spectrum thinking with my daughters.
They of course are doing great, no big deal, life goes on, what's the problem etc...
Matt and I haven't slept since last Friday - over a week now. We can't do this much longer. Have a couple of appointments set up for next week, and my pens are running dry filling out paperwork. We have notified neighbors that may "need to know" what's going on and everyone has been told to call the police, then call us.
Given that I am the Mom to children with the permanent, may never change, brain damage/loss, I still commiserate with my sisters on their bio teen, neurotypical kids.
Parenting is hard. period.
I really hope I can sleep tonite. I am trying to brainwash myself into the.... no matter what I do - even if it is the most perfect, absolutely amazing parenting out there.... sadly they - in their adrenaline rush - are going to do what their bodies tell them, and there is not a stinking thing we can do about it. damn.

it could have been much worse

2011-08-13T14:24:00.000-05:00

Today we are all in a fog, last night was another wake up call to the nasty side of FASD and RAD compounded with DCD and dysmaturity. Again thankful they only drove around the gravel roads near home... at least that is what we can piece together. They were gone for 3 hours in the car and another 30 minute foot chase at the end.
Today it was our fault, we were to blame. So sad, seriously it is just sad, you can't even be angry because it is just so depressing.
At lunch they finally broke and one had a loud, painful, heart wrenching meltdown, the other just gradually melted down, once they would let me hold them calm set in. Matt had been trying to calm the louder one by rubbing her shoulders and talking softly, to no eval
Not sure where to go from here, just thankful noone was hurt. The police officer working with us last night said we could have an officer come to the house to talk with the girls and explain the dangers and the illegal aspects of last night rebellion.
I want to call, so does Matt, I just don't think we have the energy today to go through it all again.
We'd been having a pretty good summer overall, no major events.
The last two weeks have been filled with athletic practices and last Thursday we were at their school for a parent, coach, athlete meeting. We noted Thursday night that the minute we parked our girls changed. Instant snotty, snarky too cool, yet way scared came blaring out.
This change along with the increase anxiety of trying out for teams and the beginning of the school year could be the catalyst for their actions. We understand they want to be just like their peers and be driving etc. They have to earn it first, we talk of this often. Driving is not a right it is a priveledge earned and has to be kept with responsibility and trust.
Our girls are savvy enough to premeditate many of their actions, last night was planned ahead of time. It makes it harder to explain to my parents and law enforcement and everyone else, that even though they are able to plan the event, doesn't mean they can process the reactions of the event, the effects their behavior have on themselves and everyone else. just makes you want to cry.

I feel the need to throw-up

2011-08-13T08:12:00.000-05:00

The girls were staying with my parents last night. They snuck out of the house, stole the car and went for a ride. My folks woke up to find them gone. They called us, and we went looking for them - for two hours. I called 911 immediately, our girls haven't had drivers ed only around the farm type skills. Our biggest concern was finding them in an accident. We played phone tag with my parents and the sheriffs department. The girls returned on their own, then took off on foot, we searched for another hour it seemed, they broke into my parents basement and tried to sneak back in saying they were there the whole time.
They are safe, although not in the frame of mind to discuss anything
gotta go

10 years

2011-08-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

It would seem that looking back is what people do best. It was 10 years ago August 3rd that we adopted our daughters and became the family we are today. 10 years. Wow. Two years ago I thought for sure we were done, someone was going to end up in the hospital (me) or worse....

I cannot wrap my head around the progress we have made and the milestones our girls have crossed to get to today. I haven't replayed old videos of rages or reread all the prognosis and predictions of where the experts thought we would be today. Today I am trying to hang onto the fact that we are not involved with law enforcement, no one has needed medical attention, no one is pregnant, or doing drugs, somehow we are all reasonably functionable and sane (I smile at that! as it could be questioned by an outsider... ;0) )

My birthday was yesterday.... and it is a goal of mine to make it about the girls, because quite frankly I could give a rip and if its about me, well then life is hard. Today is then the day after and typically the worst of the two. We started rough but I chose not to engage and we ended the night....

playing Yahtzee! (One of my gifts!)

I don't know for sure how we have done it, how we have survived it, but what we are doing is working, so I am going to hang onto that. Its not all roses, and we have rough days, we have days we wish we wouldn't have chosen this life.... but in the end, our girls are healthy, they are showing signs of progress each year, we have a life that can be enjoyed and that is what we need to focus on.

rereading

2011-08-07T08:19:00.000-05:00

Every so often I find myself going through my files. Rereading information that I have gathered over the years in an effort to understand and support my daughters. Trying to explain the effects of trauma to family and neighbors and the fact that healing trauma takes time, it may not heal completely, some of the damage is permanent.
I ran across an article I had found, written by several respected doctors regarding institutionalizism and the effects it has on our adopted children. I always go back to one section wherein it reads "there will be a loss of one month of cognitive development for every three months of institutionalism/orphanage stay" children adopted from orphanages will have speech/language, cognitive, developmental and social delays.

They will have, not might have but will have.

After all these years I would raise the level of delay to a loss of 2 months for every three spent in an orphanage, as the longer the stay at the orphanage, the older the child, the more cummalitive the delay.
We had our 10 year anniversary last week of being a family. Truly because of the severe social and cultural deprivation due to orphanage life, our daughters in those respects are about equivalent to 10 year olds. Their speech and language is also in that range, of course we have more than the trauma from the life they had after birth - my daughters also bear the damage of trauma of prenatal exposure to alcohol making much of the damage not just permanent, but harder to work with.

It's hard to stay open minded and positive in the light of the reality we face. I say we, because my girls won't be able to do it all alone, ever. Its double hard when the damage is invisible, when by all appearances they are just typical teenagers, until they have to comprehend or make sense of their surroundings, then we are back to a much younger child.

Dysmaturity vs. Immaturity -

Last week I met one of my sisters and her kids at a waterpark nearby. All the kids had a great time and get along really well. I must admit I borrow these kids (my neice and nephew) alot to be companions for my daughters. Everyone enjoys themselves and my girls don't feel the "I have no friends" loneliness quite so much.   It was interesting to note however my girls really are much more comfortable with the 11-14 age group.   It also helps that my nephew (14) walks to his own drummer, he is very creative and has a wonderful imagination so he always has a fun way to express himself and bring the group of kids into the action.

Had alot of snarky yesterday, I was able to recognize different triggers and took it as best I could. I acknowledged their nastiness towards me, but did not engage past that. My Mom caught my one daughter is bold lie and called her on it. Again all Mom did was let her know that she knew she lied and did not appreciate it.   I thought we were going to have a wobbler, as is the usual way this particular daughter deals with confrontation.... she attempted it, but it fell away as the rest of us wouldn't engage.

I gotta stick with that song that keeps floating through my mind... Life's a dance, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow....   Life's a dance you learn as you go.

back to life

2011-08-02T07:59:00.000-05:00

We got home Sunday afternnon after a 4 day family campout with my side of the family. Chaos without bloodshed!
My girls did really well, not too much on the foul language and wobbler side. It is overwhelming for me to be with the majority of my siblings and their kids - I can only imaging how their brains were reeling.
I think we got the only weekend of July where we were camping that it didn't storm severely, we had a few downpours, but just to the south of us got hit pretty badly Sat. night, we watched the lightening from the overlook. Floated the Miss.iss.ippi a couple of times in tubes, some kayaked and some canoed. I do best as an observor at these functions, the dynamics of so many people, conversations going non stop, hard to tell if anyone is actually listening to each other.
I of course was toxic to the girls and for the most part just let them be. They didn't want to be near me or do any activity that I was involved in. I new this would happen so while it hurts and is extremely annoying, it IS what it is. Because we were at a private campsite I didn't have to worry about them leaving with strangers or taking off. There are so many kids that all the adults keep an eye on everyone elses and this way the parents in general got a break from their kids by watching someone else's. Even kids without attachment disorders need to spread their wings a bit, my girls knew where I was at all times, I just wasn't wanted until they needed something.

The only time I became concerned was late at night around the campfire, as many of my siblings and grown neices/nephews like to tip a few and swap stories. My girls fit in without having to drink anything - the silliness and lack of impulse etc... - but they really want to be doing what everyone else is doing. At least for now my family respects the must be 21 rule or we'd have a bigger problem.

Spent time last night fielding S.e.X questions from the girls. It would never have occurred to me at 17 to ask my Mom any of these rather involved questions. On one hand I'm glad they ask me, at least I know then someone is giving them the truth and not a vague, confusing answer. What gets me is the suddenness of these conversations - out of the blue with no reference as to where that came from. My one daughter was on the living room floor coloring a picture when she started to ask and I was caught off guard a bit as we were watching America's.got.talent. The other daughter started at the dinner table with questions, we had company for dinner and I thought their were going to choke!
Life's a dance, sometimes you lead.... sometimes you follow

I'm a job core type of Mom

2011-07-27T22:48:00.000-05:00

I grew up on a farm in rural America. Grounding us was useless - where would we go? So when we were snarky or we'd done something against the rules. We were given a job, a chore, something that would benifit the whole - not just the individual. I can remember being sent to the strawberry patch with my two older sisters, being instructed we couldn't come back in till our pails were full. This repeated with whatever crop was in season. Initially we would continue our sibling fighting, the reason we were sent to the garden in the first place, eventually we ended up helping each other fill our pails so we could go back in. It worked.
Much has been lost in today's society I believe. Hard work and the personal gain come from it is being lost. Days like today when it feels absolutely tropical outside and boredom and snarkiness sets in..... I don't have to tell my girls what needs to be done anymore, they just go do it. They need to be busy to offset the anxiousness.
Today both girls at one time or another asked me what they could do to be busy and help out, they both said they felt they needed to be doing something. This is great! Due to the weather tho' I told them they didn't need to do the outside jobs, but they insisted and said it wasn't so bad out. God bless them, everyday! Each year when we look back from our present, we are doing so good that it scares me sometimes. I keep waiting for the bomb to drop and when life is good - I get anxious. Talk about stupid! Today I just lived for today, we had a good day, and I gotta say this, living in the present is so much more relaxing than the future or past!!!

Life has a way

2011-07-26T22:59:00.000-05:00

Life has a way of just coming up and dope slapping ya' sometimes, don't it?
I've not been blogging much because of the negativity I read and feel and find myself only blogging when I have no alternative to rant about a particular day.
I am by nature somewhat of a recluse and some would call me a bit nerdy with all the books and research I do. However what I am is..... a Mom, just a Mom who sometimes feels so overwhelmed with the responsibility of raising two beautiful girls and feeling like she is failing every second of it.
My viewpoint is skewed abit.
I got the rare opportunity today to visit with one of my sisters, one who is home just briefly for a visit and the big family reunion this weekend. It is rare to get one on one time with any of my siblings. She is just a couple years older than me, but we share history and trauma, she is past her mid forties barely and I am just now hitting it.
We have survived, she raised her boys as a traumatized single mom and both her boys are doing great. I am so proud of her! She however has always put the boys before herself and is just now dealing with herself. Learning how to live in the present. This is the topic of our discussion.

It has been a hard road for me to learn to live in the present. Not to keep looking backward into the would've, should've, could've areas. I have had to accept that our life just is. It IS what it is. Our motto, my motto, is that all we can do is the best with what we have. I pass that to my daughters, when the real world comes and slaps them around. They can only be - the best they can be.
This notion of being able to "fix" permanent damage is ludicrious at best, at worst.... it sets people, families onto the road of failure.
It is hard to have my 17 year old daughter act like she is 3, and yet..... she didn't have a Mom at 3, so maybe that's part of it. It is hard to have a 17 year old not know how to act like a 17 year old - yet, no one was there to teach her the first 7 years.
In two weeks our girls will have been home for ten years. TEN years. May not seem long to some of you, but even 5 years ago I would have said we wouldn't make it. Ten years....... that's roughly where they are developmentally, socially and attaching.
Every day is a new day here. We hold no grudges or conseqences past the time of acknowledgement. It works for us. What possible good would it do to discipline a child when they have forgotten what has happened? We address the problems as they show up, we deal with them, we move on.

With this family reunion coming up - I know the minute we are with others - that I will be dirt to the girls. I know this, so I can then deal with it. My and Our, attachment and relationship with our daughters will take a lifetime... not 18 years or someother number, a LIFETIME. Anyone who thinks otherwise is spoiling for some big disappointments, frustrations, and heartache all because they don't want to walk the walk.
If you can't live in the present..... just think of all the moments, the love, the successes you are missing.

an observation

2011-07-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

So far this summer has been our calmest and most cooperative. And even tho' Coffee threatened to keep my girl if I complained about them.... it really annoys me that they can be so manipulative. They made me a double/triple work hard promise if I would get them the Little House season 7 DVD, so I shook hands with them and no surprise... not an ounce of effort or niceness since they got what they wanted.
In a previous post I had mentioned that you can create a conscience in our FASD kids. Even tho' I was annoyed and frustrated with their attitude and nastiness, I did not engage. I continued to work alone and when asked if I had time to do this or that, I simply said " Sorry hon, I have to get this work done".
When good nights were said tonite, one of my girls did - on her own - apologize for being mean to me and not helping today. So, gradually with many many repetitions we continue to see growth however small. Unfortunately this does not mean much, there are no guarantees that today's eye opener will carry into tomorrow. As you have noticed only one of my girls apologized, the other... well let's just say she is too Cool to apologize for doing what she wants when she wants.
One thing I have found, is that if I continue to work on a project that they were going to help with, eventually their boredom or perhaps conscience.. brings them back to task. It's hard to take the sass and nastiness from them, its hard not to respond in like manner. On my good days I can talk myself out of engaging, on hot tired days - less likely. So I give grace now, its been a wicked wicked week with weather, we are all tired and a tad cranky so somebody has to step up and say "just let it go" good thing my "jiminy cricket" was on duty the last week.

ahhhh!

2011-07-13T22:35:00.000-05:00

what an absolutely beautiful Minnesota day today!!!!! I spent the entire day, minus running Tori to volleyball camp and back, in my flower gardens!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo Hoo! temp around 75, cool breeze, only a few bugs, yes, this is what I needed. I stayed out there til' almost 9 pm, minus supper making and eating.
Bad news - heat wave coming back in, dang it! I cannot handle the hot humid Minnesota summers anymore. I get very little accomplished on those days, I even give in to the girls wanting to go to the Mall etc.. cuz there they have air conditioning. Our air flow is determined by the breeze or lately since their hasn't been any - how fast our fans can blow.... ugh.

Today would have been splendiferous - if ole' snarky one hadn't shown up. Its the RAD game again and I don't have a clue. To the best of my instincts its the "I pulled a fast one and I'm waiting for you to figure it out game." The only thing I can think of is that my sister took them to town on Sunday to a local Fun Days celebration and she ran into the lowlife idiot that she's been caught sexting and calling. Her behavior is situational, so I know its something she's waiting for me to find. Dang it I hate this game! Cuz when I do figure it out and let her know I figured it out - all H*LL will break loose.
I don't want to know. I don't want to play this game. I am too tired to climb this mountain.

These thoughts have been racing through my mind all day, yet I know that she relies on me to be strong enough to catch her. If I show her that I am not strong enough, then we go down a notch on the attachment issues. Oh flibbertygiget I'm gonna be sucked back into this unending mind melding game of who done it and who won't admit it. blah!
Still it was an almost perfect summer weather day today - hope all my local yocals got to enjoy it!

what if

2011-07-12T23:02:00.000-05:00

At some point in time any parent will go through the "what if" stage.
We all belong to a species of self indulgunce I think.
Over the years there have been alot of what if's in my life, our life. When we finally decided to get married - that too was a what if. We got pregnant then loss, this repeated over and over and the what if's grew, and grew, and grew. When we decided to look into adoption we were almost too old for an infant. Open adoptions reign now, but did not settle well with us as we watched other families loose their long wanted child to the change of heart of birth mom's or courts.
We had not heard from our domestic agency's, no one had picked us apparently, we were not worthy. Yet our families kept after us, encouraging us, putting pressure on us. When we adopted internationally it was on a wing and a prayer, many what if's looming over our heads, could the reason we lost so many of our own be a sign that it was not meant to be? That being parents was not our destiny. Did we defy the natural order of His plan when we went ahead into the unknown. I assure you that that is indeed what we did. The total unknown, we could easily have been scammed, taken advantage of etc... we knew so little of the people that were working with us. It was phenomonal the leg work involved, the paperwork, the financing, the planning, the traveling all to the Unknown. When we arrived in Kiev, Ukraine it still was not real to us. When our translator and driver were standing there with our names on a card and holding our pictures, only then was it becoming real. Real scary. Our translator was with us 24-7 unless he was off doing footwork and paperwork, we loved him, his name was Misha and he was a gentle soul, his heart full of love for these children that had no homes, he worked hard, he was fluent in 5 languages and a professor at the college. When our time came to go to the minister to be interviewed for the possiblity of adopting - in Ukraine it is not legal to preselect, you must be interviewed independent of an agency and there are no guarantees.
We had done our paperwork for the potential of 3 children, in case of a group of siblings, that I having been so close to their situation, could not break apart. 3 was the most you could adopt at one time.

We spent an entire day, in 100+ degree weather, in world war two type building, looking through photo album after photo album of available children throughout Ukraine. We were overwhelmed. We were close to giving up and just going away, all the diagnosis and the pictures were all out of date and how for the love of God can you pick out one over another? At the end of the day, we were given two pictures to look at, two girls, twins, we were told that these girls were for us. The pictures were a couple years old and their was very little information given to us. Matt and I just looked at each other, weary and tired and oh so overwhelmed and wanting to be done with it all, we both said yes, we would go meet these girls.
The next day we spent 22 hours on a train, crossing the span of Ukraine to meet two girls that didn't know we were coming.
When we finally arrived - did I mention it was over 100 degrees there? No fresh water and sanitation, we will discuss at a later time ..
When we arrived it was late and the boarding school/orphange could not be reached. Our translator found us rooms in a hotel that had guards to protect the Westerners.
The next day twin ssisters and two boys were brought back from a "camp" to be interviewed by us. At the time it was mid summer and only the oldest children and the very young were left at the boarding school. (We were the first american couple to go to this orphanage, no one spoke English, no one. When our translator wasn't there my simple Russian was enough so we smiled and nodded alot.)
We met the boys first, a beautiful yet very shy Luna was first, five years old, and darling, our hearts melted. Then next was a 6 year old boy named Sergi, he was the spitting image of Matt as a child, I see him in my mind almost daily now. Then in came the twin girls, full of spice and showing off. I hesitated at first, my heart was on Sergi, but I looked at Matt and he had tears in his eyes, he looked at me and we both nodded yes. Then our journey began.
This is not about us and the girls. We are fine. They found a home, we found a family.

For some reason tonite, the face of little Sergi and Luna keep showing up.

We knew at the time that the boys who did not find families would be integrated into the military after the age of 18. The girls however usually ended up as prostitutes or left to the streets.
Our daughters, the twin sisters, were considered unadoptable because of their age. We discussed and knew that we couldn't save them all. The girls needed families and protection, the boys did too - but the military was better than the streets.

I say a prayer again tonite, as I do most every night that Sergi and Luna found families, homes, love.

I always thought that after we got home and got settled we'd go back and get them, but our girls demanded more than we could share.
I hope they are okay, I pray they are whole.

booking for a fight

2011-06-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

I was calm and very normal motherly today despite knowing my girls were up to no good. I decided that I didn't want to climb that mountain till Dad got home. Yet one of them even after a calm, no yelling, conversation about the choices she was making and how dangerous they were, is still booking for a fight - with me, not dad, me. All day she knew I knew the whole story.... yet I carried on seemingly unaware and she was a most definite ClingON all day, until Dad got home then suddenly I became the one to take it out on. Oh well, that bird isn't going to fly tonite, I'm good. You can instill a conscience into children with damaged hearts and minds, its alittle tricky and alot confusing but it can be done. Her anger toward me is because I figured it out - as usually happens. She can't stand it, she can't handle the fact that I - Mom will eventually get to the truth and she's busted. My thanks is that no screaming or banging or threats have been made.... yet. But man oh man she's booking for a fight tonight, gotta keep my cool and let her stew, I can't let her push the button, pray for us.

just want to say hello - how are you all doing?

2011-06-23T22:25:00.001-05:00

Wanted to say hello and I only have 7 more days of greenhouse season!!!!!!!!!!!!

My girls are crossing off the days with big, really big X's, this count down is bigger than the last day or first day of school.
It was a crummy spring sales season, due to weather, not that the weather was the worst ever, just that you couldn't do anything with it. One day its cold, the next is hot and muggy, the next is rainy, the next is cold again and so on.... so many people just gave up on having a garden and I need to be done at the end of June. I've got two girls that are counting on it. So if you live close to me - please come out and I will load you up for little or nothing as I hate throwing my plants in the compost pile. I have 6 gardens of my own that I haven't planted yet either so some will find homes their, I keep some back for mother plants so this fall I can do my own cuttings, but I have ALOT left.
The girls go to speech/language therapy every Tues and Thurs at our local college, so far so great! The girls are challenging themselves and the staff has been very good with them. My one daughter has her last day of soccer camp tomorrow and the other has volleyball camp in July. They are looking forward to being able to spend some of their greenhouse money when we go shopping on July 1. That's our tradition, and they have already made their lists.
When I'm working I have so many thoughts, ideas,

just need to rant...

2011-06-08T22:39:00.000-05:00

Every time I post a positive message, dang! but life throws us a loo loo

We have one more day of school, however one of my daughters will spend it in OSS.

Hope the school videos caught it all, her running away from campus, her coming back then leaving again, teachers running around trying to find her, her getting out of a pickup and crossing traffic with a teacher trying to get her to come back, a guy that she doesn't even really know, my coming into school and having teachers say "i'm so glad your here" then having to restrain her in the hallway, in the parking lot... yes a great day had by all.

The worst part is the kid just doesn't get it, She just doesn't get it, not at all, not a bit, not even the littlest tiniest tiny bit. After threating to kill me several times while in the school hallway, while also trying to run from me wherein I had to do the sqeeze body hold hang onto backpack etc... walk out the school the door... only to have to wrestle her to the car. She then started to kick, bang, and attempt to destroy car which caused me to yank her out and restrain her using the car as a holding device (she's stronger than me in a rage and nearly my size) after a couple of these moments caught on camera her case worker came out to the parking lot and asked if she could help, help I think to myself please do I am open to anything, of course I knew in my heart that what this teacher was seeing was the tip of the iceberg, my daughter was waiting , waiting, waiting for us to be leaving the school lot and head for home for the real drama. I had to wait for other daughter to get out of school and I asked the teacher if she could let my other daughter know where I was, I couldn't park where I normally do because all the spaces were full. This teacher graciously walked my other daughter out to me.
As we were stuck in parent trap trying to leave school the rage insued.... I kept trying to roll down her window so all the kids and staff could hear, she kept rolling it back up - curious ...., she waited until we cleared the premise before the real rage set in,
or did it?
seems pretty planned and choiced doesn't it....
I know my girls have FASD, but I tell you what... the RAD that is mixed in with all our combo's....

sucks!

For the most part I can honestly say that their rages are premeditated when they get caught. There isn't a moment wherein they aren't in control. I have seen them stop on a dime when someone is around only to proceed again as soon as the coast is clear, when they are alone with me. I will not play this game with them.
On the way home I had to pull over once for safety reasons, I kept a grip on her seat belt, then her arm, then her hand until we got home as she kept trying to open the door. Once we were home and I had staff and customers in the yard, she was done, she calmed down etc....

How do you work with this? She could care less the drama she set in motion, she did the crocodile tears and sobbing when she was reminded that she wasn't going to school the next day. But she blames us! Not the school, not herself, not the choices she chooses or the consequences etc... I know she has a permanent brain injury interfereing with all this thinking she should be doing...

dang I love this kid! it hurts so much to continually see her fail, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

we all know one

2011-06-02T07:47:00.000-05:00

We all know a kid or a family that is "different", I wanted to take a second and share some positive's with our kids. It is greenhouse season here and my time is pretty much dedicated to that and our girls. Alot of people come through here, some we have known for years and were aware of the year we went in search of our daughters in Ukraine. Some are new each year and are getting to know us.

This year all I have heard from customers and staff is how much the girls have grown and what hard workers they are. My girls like the social aspect of the greenhouses - they like meeting new people and are often given the job of helping some of the older folks carry their plants, or they help load soil and plants into customer vehicles when they have paid etc... They have been more willing to help water and move and sort and help me pull orders for my wholesale deliveries. They work best when I have other staff here, but this year they are showing more maturity and growth and helping me out when they know I'm short handed.
We've had some moments..... but really very small in comparison to last year. School will be done next week - thank heavens! - and then we will see how well they do when stuck on the farm continuously. My folks will provide some distraction by having them go to their house to help them and then we start speech/language therapy twice a week, the week after school gets out, so some diversion is in place.

School has become for us - daycare - the girls are not motivated to improve themselves or to work at the skills they will need later. After the greenhouse season is done I will be implementing a life program with them. We will work on money, time management, budgets, what is needed to set up a home and how much money they will need etc.... They will need to learn how to live on minimum wage. Until they can show us responsibility and that we can trust them... learning to drive will have to wait. Given their boy obsessions I will have to go back into hypervigilant mode to prevent them from setting up meet times etc. Here's hoping that this summer we continue to see growth and understanding.

shake your head - then laugh

2011-05-27T22:56:00.000-05:00

I don't have much free time lately but I just wanted to touch base

The Coffee's paid a visit the other day, it was so refreshing for me, just a moment in time yet the feeling of unity lingers yet. I hope they were able to refresh and relax alittle. I kept trying to keep them here as long as possible but alas' their phone rang and the need to return home was upon them.

We still have our regular issues with the girls, I say regular because Normal is not allowed in this house! ;0) Truly what is Normal anyway - simply that which you have become accustomed to. So I guess we are as Normal as we are ever going to get.

What occurs to me most often and partly why I don't make myself go to support groups etc.. is that while its reassuring to hear from others that we are not alone, it becomes self-defeating to on one hand laugh at the crazy in our houses and compare notes, yet know deep within that truly there is only so much that we will be able to do to help our kids in the long term. We all seem destined to have to find our own solutions based on our kids and what works for them - no two are alike - and trust me I know I have twins!

We are fortunate on so many levels compared to many, that my showing up to compare stories seems inadequate or not relative somehow. We live in the country, so rages and screaming go for the most part unheard except by us. Our girls are very physical and hard work is easy to come by here. I listen to others with "normal" bio kids complain and compare stories and you know what, mine are not so far apart - different in that mine will be ongoing once theirs have matured and moved on, but now?... Really not so bad.

Sometimes I think this would be easier if I had had a biological child to compare against... but that really wouldn't be fair, you can't weigh permanent to temporary and come up with any solutions. I personally know many bio families that went into foster then adoption and the bio kids really struggled and resented, so - no I guess it is good that we only have the girls, we can devote all our energy to them without leaving someone else in the background.

As hard and annoying that it is to live and parent a mentally disabled child... it is all I have ever known so I can't compare or hold standards that are impossible. We simply live our lives as best as we can, just like any other family.

just some thoughts that were stuck in my mind

I had hoped for a response

2011-04-24T22:39:00.000-05:00

I had hoped for a response as I know some of you have been in this situation. Regrettably I got nothing. Nothing from no one. Seems to be the fact of life lately.

what if?

2011-04-22T22:50:00.000-05:00

what if you knew a mom that was an alcoholic and you knew that she drank while pregant?

what if you knew 7 years later that this child was most likely a FASD child and while finally the mom took him in for a behavioral evaluation, she would not admit to the drinking so they diagnosed him as ADHD.
Now it is possible that we have both going here and the adderall (sp?) they put the child on seems to help somewhat, but the Mom refuses to admit to alcohol use, even though she called me again in the wee hours of the morning, drunk and hysterical and deep deep deep down the self pity, self loathing hole.

I can do what I can do to make sure this child is safe, the Mom loves the child dearly and when she is in a "good" place is the mother of the year. The child doesn't seem to be affected by the hysterical, depression episodes that the mother goes through. In fact I have sat with her during these times and the child just plays and jabbers as though this is no big deal, nothing going on... you know what I mean.

The child doesn't seem to be in any danger physically and while I worry about the trauma and mental danger these episodes present.... I don't know what to do. When she goes through these episodes it usually takes about 48 hours to get her back on track and then life is good again. There are several people involved when these episodes occur, she calls all of us through out the night and we rally and get her where she needs to go for help and we take care of her child and all appears okay. She doesn't remember all that she has done or said during these times. She has a therapist and is on medications, she is trying her hardest, but life just grabs her and pulls her down.

It is a personal crossroad I am on. Given that I am a mother to two children with FASD as well as trauma..... sometimes I feel very angry and resentful that a parent could continue to be this way when a child is at stake. I feel biased and unable to rationally make a good decision here. If I turn her in she will most likely loose her child and the ramifications of that would be horrendous for all.

issues

2011-04-20T08:16:00.000-05:00

Okay everyone - if anyone is still reading my posts.... Remind me again how we are suppose to parent.

The seminars and parenting traumatized children courses tell us that stealing is an "ownership issue", lying is a "truth issue", manipulation is an "attachment issue", and that we are not suppose to directly call it stealing or lying or manipulating so as not to damage their moral character.

Okay, I can see this logic if my children were 5-9 years old, you've still got a good 10 years to build on that "moral" character and the responsibilities that go with what you say and do etc...

However, if your children are fast approaching adult age, wherein the rest of the universe will call it what it really is.... are you doing your child any favors by ignoring the issues?

These are traits that will land them in some really bad places and most likely alone.

My girls have been damaged by prenatal alcohol exposure as well as significant trauma, yet they will still have to survive in the real world - not a world in which they will get a free pass because of those injuries. If they can learn the skills necessary to lie, steal and manipulate, could it not also be reasoned then that they can also learn not to do these things. They know what they are doing is wrong - or why would they try and hide it, or lie about it, or defer blame onto someone else?!

the best cops

2011-04-17T22:44:00.000-05:00

Usually some of the best police officers are kids who were wild and then grew up. They know the tricks, the trade, the hiding places. They can usually tell the truth from a run around, they are street smart and don't trust just anyone. They see through the facades and the walls and can feel, literally, when something is up or not quite right.

Having had an "adventurous" youth has made me a pretty good police officer, I don't get paid well and the job is often times hazardous. You deal alot with people who just don't get it, you see the same b.s. everyday, you have to be able to dance the dance to get the answers. There are days when you want to quit, but you can't because you have this ridiculous sense of duty and the knowledge that if you don't stick with it - who else will?

Our life experiences make us who we are. There are choices along the way that can make life a success or a misery, often you will get both. I think that is indeed what life is - a mix of both. If you didn't have both you wouldn't recognize the other. I have people in my life that only had one or the other and they simply cannot fathom life any other way, I feel sad for them, they will miss out on so much. They miss out on the chance to see life in a different way, to be able to relate to so many people. Quite frankly the majority of people live both, but being sheltered or naive can skew your outlook.

I'm not very rigid in my judgements of others, a part of me can always see it from their point of view. It doesn't necessarily make it right or ethical or safe, but I can see where they are coming from and understand how they got where they are. My frustrations come when people absolutely refuse to even try and see life from a different view. They are so stuck in what they think is the right way hence the only way to be.

I hope we can shake the concrete thinking from our girls someday. In order to survive they will have to be able to think outside their box, to consider other peoples histories and backgrounds before they judge them. So many people are so ready to judge others quickly and without all the information. In reality they will probably be the ones being judged, I hope they run into others like me, who are willing to see life from their perspective and withold harsh judgement.

the morning after regrets....

2011-04-16T22:21:00.000-05:00

Back in my wild days the morning after often resembled putting a puzzle back together with the inevitable slap to the forehead - what was I thinking!?

The girls friend requested to go home about 9 am this morning, I can't feign surprise or the not have a clue routine. I merely said "sure, I can take you home".

I saw it coming last night and then it was solidified this morning shortly after they got up, the party was over and everyone just wanted their routines back.

At least they had a fun night last night and no serious drama or interventions needed. I have had to relook at my daughters in the last year or so since we got their FASD diagnosis. When we have been at wedding dances etc.. where adults are drinking and getting stupid, guess what? my daughters fit right in and they are sober - but already damaged - permanently.

They have no inhibitions, no impulse control, go straight from serious to ridiculous in a heartbeat, when they are done - they are done.

Ah well, we gave it another go. By the next time they will have "blacked out this time and we will be replaying the same scenerio", I'm so tired from dancing this dance.

so far - so good

2011-04-15T22:22:00.000-05:00

I am almost hesitant to write this as the night is not over, but so far so good. The flipping out happened at school instead of here and with some quick action and alot of Mom power we managed to get things back on track.
I'll explain more tomorrow....
After we got home the girls and their friend played Wii for awhile while I covered plants and shutdown the greenhouses for the night, all good so far. When I got back to the house they were watching a movie - the return of super.man - my girls have no clue who this is, so I sat and watched with them and explained the entire movie.... to all of them.... again all is good.
Then we had a festive game of apples.to.apples and some ice cream, then around 9 they crawled into bed to watch a movie, all asleep by 10:00! Yeah, so far so good!

a friend coming over

2011-04-15T12:47:00.000-05:00

I was hesitant to try this again and I explained why to the girls. Everytime they have a girl come spend the night, they have fun but then their routine is changed and all they want is for the girls to go home. This girl I have met in that I give her rides home from school once and awhile. She is developmentally about the same level as my girls, she has told me that she is autistic and as I listen to the girls conversations she often times gets dizzy or doesn't feel well.
She seems to be a really nice kid and I would like this to work out, my fear is about my daughters they tend to use kids for their own purposes and I know from listening in... that she lives very close to a boy that one of my girls is obsessed about.
I give this girl rides home - because her Mom sometimes forgets to come and get her. Her home is clear across town and a significant walk even on a nice days. I haven't yet gotten to talk to her Mom about tonite - supposedly I will do so after school today. This girl has told me that she meets with a skills worker/social worker twice a week, she never gets to see her Dad and that her Mom sleeps alot in the afternoons.
I am praying we don't have anyone flipping out tonite, life is interesting tho' - you just never know what's in store.

with regards

2011-04-11T22:33:00.000-05:00

my last post concerned new restrictions on one of my daughters starting today at school. Needless to say.... she did her best not to cooperate. No email just a note in her worklog - doesn't work well with a child who doesn't want Mom and Dad to know. My saddness grows daily for this one, she just can't jump the life hurdles in front of her, instead she leaps and falls .... everytime

daily speil

2011-04-08T22:32:00.000-05:00

Every day we have a daily speil, a daily reminder of proper behavior and attitude. In recent months we've been dealing with alot of attitude in school requiring both in school and out of school suspensions. At our last IEP meeting I briefly met our newly assigned case manager, I already miss our old one! Now we have to reeducate and reaffirm our position. We are very vigilant with our daughters as their safety and well being are our primary concern at the moment. Typically Mom's and Dad's can sense when something is amiss, we may not always be able to put our finger on it but we know.
We've been trying to deal with unknown absences from classes at school. At 4:30 nearly everyday I receive a computerized message telling me of one or both of my daughters being absent from a class/hour during the school day and whether or not we agree or disagree with this assessment. We drop our girls off in the morning, after that... well the school better know where my child is at cuz' I don't. I emailed my new case manager this morning regarding this week's absences.... this is what I got .....

I have let **** know the following things will change starting immediately:

1. She will be escorted to classes
2. She will not leave class unless it is an emergency
3. If she needs to go to the bathroom, she will ask permission of the teacher, not the paraprofessional and wait for permission to be granted.
There has been issue of her telling people where she is going as she walks out the door - never asking.

**** has also been reminded again that she needs to be in her classes and lunch as assigned, and math will be worked on in 7th period resource only.

If you could just reiterate the same message to her, maybe we can get this back under control again.

Reiterate, Reiterate, Reiterate - that is all we do.....
Do you think my new case manager is ready for the next two months till school is out? I feel sorry for the professionals that have to manage not just my kids but many many others as well, many who are more challenged than ours. At least my girls are only violent/aggressive some of the time, usually when busted they crumble - not always - but enough that the teachers/staff involved sincerely like them and want to do what is best. Unfortuanately we can continue to remind them everyday of proper procedure/rules, they will still - most likely - do what their impulse tells them.

school break

2011-04-04T12:35:00.000-05:00

Despite moments of frustration and exhaustion we survived - the girls tell us they had a good break and really they did. We mostly worked, intermixed with some playtime. I've had a nasty cold all week and my energy level was way down all of last week, starting to perk up a bit. I had hoped to get caught up on paperwork today - the forecast was for rain and clouds, alas' it is partly sunny with 40mph winds, so I have to take care of the greenhouses... I gave my crew the day off so I could focus on office stuff... dang!
I'd love to go to a support meeting tonite in town, logistically I can't because of the greenhouses and it would require multiple trips to town. It will probably be July before I can attend any support groups. I need to reconnect, feeling isolation kicking in. During the next 3 months I work 7 days a week sunup to sundown so sneaking away isn't an option either. I wish my energy level was higher so I could feel that I am making headway - somewhere -
Tomorrow is a late start again for school, its not the second Tuesday and we just got off spring break, really is this necessary? It really throws a crimp in our routine. Thankfully I have a pretty independent crew that works for me at the greenhouses, for the most part I can give them their instructions and go about my business, they find me if they have questions. I save most of the labor jobs for myself to do and alot of that hasn't been getting done either. Starting tomorrow our weather should mellow out for a few days and hopefully we will be able to catch our breath. Need Sun, lots of SUN to get all my babies blooming!

avoiding

2011-03-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

The girls are on spring break. The girls are with me 24-7 while I attempt to run a business and keep them entertained. They have been helping out at the greenhouses, the best they can, cuz' well they really don't have a choice. I have to work. It was almost easier when they were younger and screaming all day long. Somehow I could mentally wrap my head around that. This constant open defiance and doing the exact opposite of what you ask them is driving me nuts!
We almost had a wobbler yesterday, almost... Still it hits hard when the reality will be that my girls will not be able to hold down a job for long, unless by the grace of God they can learn to deal with the frustrations of the real world. One of the key issues for one of my daughters is that she gets this picture in her mind of how "it" (whatever she's doing etc.) is suppose to be. Because she can't mentally picture all the steps in the correct order it never turns out. She absolutely refuses to be helped, it has to be her way.
Just another mega dose of saddness for two lives that will be hard, frustrating and very confusing. Saddness in that I can't reach them to help sort out the puzzle pieces.
My staff is really great with my girls, when my staff is here working - I am chopped liver - I do not exist in my daughters worlds. They openly ignore me and defy me.... So I've been for the most part staying out of their way and letting them do their thing, knowing that on Monday I will have to go back and fix alot of things. By then they will have forgotten and won't notice that it is different.

peace to all the homes that are on school break this week.

WooHoo!

2011-03-24T07:57:00.000-05:00

Woo Hoo Woo Hoo! The sun's out, the sun's out!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Both girls decided today they were going to have a great day because THE SUN IS OUT! Oh yeah, Oh yeah doing the happy dance this morning!

Not even the fact that I haven't done our taxes yet and still have orders to place workers to keep busy and four greenhouses full of plants with all the work in front of me today - still doing the happy dance!
How's that for a run on sentence?

Learning to go with the flow/float with the attitude and simply bizarre mood swings of our girls. Given that they announced they were going to have a great day - usually means trouble, but I don't care anymore. It will be what they make of it. Consequences like ISS and lunch detention and falling grades matter very little to them, so why should it ruin my day? Two more years of school competition left, then the real world struggles will show up, those are the ones I fear most. I can't prevent them, we can't really prepare for them entirely as each day is a new day full of different success and failure stories. In order to survive FASD/RAD/CAPD .... we have to learn to let go of that which is out of our control. Having a foot stomping - toe to toe - "discussion" with one daughter last night did nothing to change anything. She doesn't hear what you say, she will continue to do as she pleases. Hopefully in the future sometime, the message in what was said to her will show up at the right time and place and she may make a different choice than the ones she wants to make. Our fretting about it won't change anything.

Learning to let it go is really hard. Learning our limits as parents is really hard. Trying to explain the differences and the mental challenges are daughters present is really hard. I'm tired of doing the really hard, so I'm going to try and do it differently. I'll meditate on that today instead of the constant panic when the school calls, I will try and accept it as the school's way of communicating their frustration.

The box holding all our tax info is now spread out on the kitchen table. It will have to stay there cuz' I'm heading out to the sun! Woo Hoo!

potentially excited

2011-03-23T08:17:00.000-05:00

I say potentially because I don't have all the information yet. My daughters speech clinician from school looked into a summer program offered through our local college, he took the time to do the phone calls and emails etc.. to see if they would consider working with our daughters. It looks like it may be a GO! Yeah! He's sending me the information and release forms. The cost is less than other programs I've looked into and had to discard. This one may be doable for us financially. The girls are less than thrilled at the idea, they won't be given a choice this time. If I can swing the money - they are going. Their lack of vocabulary and delayed speech is what holds them back academically and socially so much more than anything else. They will most likely be working with graduate students from the speech pathology department - sounds good to me. I will gladly drive them into town and sit and wait for however long it takes... if this can give them a chance to succeed as they grow into adulthood.

We currently must have reserved seats in the ISS room at school. My girls have been spending alot of time there during lunch for insubordination and behaviors at school. Full day ISS will from now on be spent here at home... if they don't want to learn or follow the rules at school - we'll they can work all day just like their Mom and get a taste of the what their real future represents. No guitar hero on ISS days, no make-up either ;0) If we could get our one daughter to spend a fourth of the time that she spends looking at herself in the mirror working on her inner self we'd be sailing. I made her leave her makeup home today (she's suppose to every day, but doesn't want to hear that) because of her refusal to participate in class which turned into a attitude situation which turned into the teacher sending her to the office which turned into Lunch ISS/detention for today.

clouds

2011-03-21T08:03:00.000-05:00

We got lucky - clouds gathered Saturday night, no visible super Moon to observe. We didn't need the rain, greenhouses are flooding with the rapid snow melt, I can handle that - I wear boots. What I wasn't in the mood for was a reason for the girls to act up in their illogical way. They really worked hard all day on Saturday, lots of physical work mingled with some guitar hero breaks. Sometimes we get lucky.

Today though may be the delayed effects day. Both were showing signs of high anxiety, one in particular was already getting snarky before they left for school. It will be what it will be. Life just is somedays.

I was really hoping....

2011-03-16T22:23:00.000-05:00

I was really hoping that my cell phone had fallen into a snow bank, somewhere in the greenhouses, in the dirty clothes basket anywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know that old saying, expect the worst - hope for the best.
Well long story short after calling my phone all day, Matt calling my phone all day no such phone rang. Until two girls came home from school and when asked if they had seen Mom's phone - they replied no Mom, maybe its in the greenhouses, we'll help you look. So I waited...., upstairs.... while they went down and were acting guilty, I waited.... - then I called my phone, and do you know what happened? a Miracle! My phone suddenly appeared behind a cushion on the couch!
Needless to say complete wobbler, flipping out of our minds, complete rage shortly followed by one child running into the sloppy, muddy fields that surround our farm. I let her go - I didn't chase - I followed the rule when child becomes violent upon being busted and "holding" doesn't work, give her space - so I did. She finally meandered home after screaming loud enough for the entire county to hear.

After the storm there is always the calm and saddness. She came to me for a hug, not at first... it took a while and I believe truly felt remorse. No long lectures, No crazy penalties, just the knowledge that she hurt me with her language and behavior. It was never about the phone, it was about the manipulation and trickery. She didn't use the phone - A HUGE step for her and I told her so! She can't resist holding a cell phone, she wants to use it, but this time she didn't! HOORAY! Now I am off to bed and want to forget today happened. Night everyone....

self control

2011-03-11T08:02:00.000-06:00

Wednesday after mass we had confirmation class, Matt and I are our daughters sponsors for confirmation. I was thrown back to my own classroom days - when the teacher would ask a question and wait for the class to participate in a discussion. I was never good at being quiet, I wanted to discuss and figure it out or at times debate with the teacher over a viewpoint I felt strongly about. The silence in the room was awful Wednesday. Not one student or sponsor volunteered a thought, I couldn't stand it - so I chimed in hoping to get things rolling.... I got stared at, glared at so I looked down and focused on self control and kept my mouth shut! What a long night!
Every morning we remind the girls to work on their own self control concerning certain attitudes and behaviors. Once in a while it does me good to be reminded how hard it is not to follow your impulse and do "what your body tells you to do".
Since we have chosen connection over control, some days are really hard but we keep moving forward. I truly believe our girls become more attached everyday and they know deep within how much we care about them. My new goal is to get them to care for themselves, deep within. They deserve to be treated with respect and are worth it. They have a impulsive need to have that negative attention and cling to those who are gaining attention at school with negative behavior. They don't seem to care that these "boys" don't really care about them at all - they are simply toys to be played with. A child that doesn't have the strength or knowledge to connect all the dots .... is simply a target in todays world. Even those who may have the knowledge still crave to be included - somewhere - the where doesn't seem to matter, just the inclusion.
We'll keep taking it day by day and the school is on high alert for safety reasons. Truly I don't think there is much more we can do physically. The change has to come from within our daughters, hoping time will allow them that opportunity. Time seems to be running out in so many areas.

progress

2011-03-09T07:47:00.000-06:00

I had our last IEP meeting yesterday.. Both girls continue to show great progress in both their math and reading/language skills, reading comprehension and vocabulary being the lowest. This progress is individual and the girls will never be at peer level, currently they are functional at about the 4th to 5th grade level with comprehension and vocab roughly around 3rd grade. Next school year they will be in the work program, they will go to different work sites during morning classes with a job coach then return for lunch and afternoon classes of math, english, speech/language and one fun class. We feel this is the best scenerio for them. The reality is - our girls need to learn how to work for someone besides us, follow directions, be appropriate in both behavior and language, accept responsibility for themselves.
The number of students needing special education services is on the rise, our school will be getting a large number enrolled next fall and they are already hiring additional staff to get them trained in and to share the workloads. Our girls will get a new case manager, met her last night and she seemed really nice. I also got the name of a para who used to be a social worker who would be interested in continuing to work with our girls over the summer months on social skills, english, basic math. I'm hoping I can figure out a way to make that work ($).

Still dealing with stolen cell phones and Itouch/Ipad from other students. I gave the school permission yesterday to involve the school police officer if they are caught again with something that does not belong to them. I would rather have the girls learning these lessons in a somewhat safe and structured setting, then wait until they are 18 and charged with a misdemeanor or worse. Also this may help educate our local law enforcement of the repeat offender trait our children have.

Told the greenhouse crew to stay home today even though our snow event doesn't appear to be as bad as predicted, school is on and Matt and the girls are on their way. I needed a day to regroup and I have to open another greenhouse and get it ready for my first shipment of rooted cuttings coming tomorrow. My houses will be filling fast now and my brain is already spinning with all the things I am behind in. I'll get it done eventually but the pressure is building. Not sure the world could handle two of me - but it sure would help me.

pro's and con's of legal guardianship

2011-03-04T08:16:00.000-06:00

anyone out there that has words of wisdom in this area?
Taking on legal guardianship of our daughters after age 18 - what are the potential ramifications to this decision? We know the girls are not capable of making safe, healthy decisions in any area. We have had 4 school suspensions in the last 2 weeks. We have also the theft of cell phones and Ipads etc... their defensive aggression seems to be building. Their determination to be free from restrictions is also building. These are not children who will out grow these tendencies anytime soon - maybe in another 10-15 years. Anyone out there with experience or personal knowledge?
I haven't found many parents who have gone this route with their FASD kids, perhaps their kids were not also DCD, our girls are not going to make it without some safe adult helping them with the financial, medical and legal responsibilities of adulthood. Also they will turn 18 prior to their senior year, school has become for us a unsafe environment. Not the schools fault they are trying.... our daughters are not wanting to hear or follow the rules.

how far do you push?

2011-03-01T22:27:00.002-06:00

So how far do you push, before you push them away?

So far we've been able to keep them drug/alcohol free and sex free up til now. (at least to our knowledge).
The harder we try and teach and supervise the harder they push limits. We've made it to 16 almost 17, statistically were doing pretty good.
Are we suppose to let them hit the wall, pick them up, start all over, and over, and over or ..... do we continue to do the constant supervision and treat them as the age they display or the age they are?
Our girls are roughly the equivalant of 9-10 year olds developmentally and emotionally - however they reside in 16 year old bodies. They are picking up the street kid mentality and involving other students in their manipulations of potentially dangerous situations. When is it okay to throw your hands up and say God, do your will.
Or is it His will that we continue to monitor and supervise? Somedays, we just think " ya know we've done our best, we've tried and tried to reach them, but they simply don't want to hear us - - - - or do they? The ultimate conundrum. ......................................

different perspective

2011-02-18T08:22:00.000-06:00

I become pretty much a recluse this time of the year, I really can't leave the greenhouses for any significant amount of time from now until July. Our girls are pushing their limits at school and if I were a typical parent they would have been grounded and put on chore duty from school until bedtime.
That really isn't an option here.

Grounding is ridiculous when you already live in the country and they can't drive, don't have friends etc... I mean they are stuck here even during good times. We can't make them stay in their rooms away from us for too long, when they are pushing their limits - what they really want is to be with us, doing with us.  Even though they both were in ISS on Wednesday, we let them go to pep band on Thursday nite. They need to have structured social time as well as the knowledge that we are not the enemies, they still will be doing chores to help out - but they would be doing them anyway... typically with us.

When they left school campus to walk about (not sure of the whole story, getting it in bits and pieces) they wanted to feel free, not have anyone watching them. They also knew that when they returned they would be watched ever more closely, they admit they knew that but needed to feel free even for a short time. Sigh.  It could be said that they knew it was wrong and they would get into trouble.

In talking with them I could understand this need to feel free, I was a 16yr old once.  I could sense in them a certain relief that they did get caught and people cared enough to want to keep them safe. We talked about how its like half of them wants to be grown-up and free to do what they please, yet the other half is scared and hoping that someone comes and rescues them from their situation.

We talked about how they have at least two more years of having to stay home and be kids, that they have a whole lifetime ahead to be on their own. We talked about how, right now, they need to work on what they need to learn to be able to control their anger, make safe choices and how to ask for help when they are not feeling strong. Again its like part of them understands all of this and feels it, the other part still craves that adrenaline rush to see how far they can push it before we come running. Its a start.

best buddies

2011-02-16T07:45:00.000-06:00

Ah the saga.....! Had a really good day with my suspended daughter yesterday, she helped down at the greenhouse and was positive all day, until.... we had to go pick up her sister after school. Two other students came with to the car to say Hi to her, she is now a celebrity of sorts, the sulking began.
There was pepband last night but because she didn't attend school she couldn't go, I took her sister ... that's when the green monster showed up, again. She must have brooded and steamed the whole time we were gone, got home and she wasn't talking to me again, then lit into her sister, then refused to allow her sister to sleep. Matt made her sleep in our spare room rather than referee the sister saga. After a short time of wall banging etc... she was quiet and sleeping. However her sister couldn't sleep without her .... This morning they are the best of buddies, laughing, playing games, doing each other's hair etc... She apologized again to everyone and stated that she slept really good last night. Gotta love it, cuz we have no choice but to live it. Yawn.... glad one of us got a good nights sleep, I've often wondered if it wouldn't be better just to take on their lack of concern, worries of tomorrow, effects we have on others. Sure would make our "normal" fit with theirs.

it's here

2011-02-14T22:30:00.000-06:00

stomache in knots, heart twisted, want to cry but can't summon the mental energy.
I have one staying home from school tomorrow - OSS - Out of School Suspension, she slapped her sister across the face at lunch - zero tolerance at school for assault and rightly so, she can spend the day with dear ol' mom.
Three different stories as to what instigated the event, one from the school, one from slapper and one from the slapped. Of course there is a boy involved, so therefore we have green jealous monster in the background as well. The one that was the slapper - has a very short fuse, buttons are easily pushed and she is currently the one with the boy. The one that was slapped admitted she provoked the slapper by saying some nastiness. Here's the deal - the one that was slapped was witnessed by the para as smiling when it happened then she proceeded to leave the area to tell on her sister. The slapper won't talk, she has apologized to everyone but I have this gut feeling that all is not well here. I have witnessed the slapped one doing this same manuver on Matt and I, she pushes buttons until we've had it then smirks like she's won the prize.

My heart is in pieces, both need help but we can't reach them.

I've been reading Liz Kulp's book the Braided Cord - for mom's in my position the reality of the book is scary beyond all comprehension. We've been lucky so far, primarily I believe because we live in rural farmland and have been able so far to keep them under pretty secure supervision. I'm not going to let them go down that road without putting up one h*e*l*l* of a fight!!!

results

2011-02-11T08:24:00.000-06:00

The school called yesterday, the assistant principal called to let me know they received my request for a new IEP meeting. It was a positive phone call and I was told that by early next week I will have a revised IEP to look over and we will then schedule a meeting date that works for us. I was factual in my letter, did not accuse or point blame, just stated the facts, respect can go a long way. Even though inside I know I am in a way going to war, I just have never believed that emotional bloodshed ever solved anything, typically it makes matters worse. Our girls are complicated in their educational needs and we can't expect the school to work miracles or magic - with this in mind hopefully we can start putting supports in place and refocus on the areas they need the most help with and allow them to shine in the areas where they are strong.

sunshine, hardwork, planning for the future

2011-02-10T08:20:00.000-06:00

I mailed off my request for a new IEP meeting to work on revising our current IEP and to ensure it will be implemented. sigh... I hate this game. It makes it hard when we really like the teachers and staff at our school, we really struggle with this because our daughters can make it so difficult to adovocate for them sometimes. One is still showing strong impulsive aggression at school and just served ISS again last week, the other has been withdrawn and lethargic at school, so different phone calls for different reasons. Both seem better this week - I'm going with the sunshine effect as a reason...
Speaking of sunshine the greenhouses were so warm yesterday I had to open the door and let in that minus zero air, with the temps going above freezing this weekend - oh yeah, I will be playing my IZ hawaiian cds and planting my seeds to the sounds of the ocean and palm trees - woo hoo!

Heavy lifting and hardwork - I got a pallet of soil yesterday 52 bags, the girls were so excited! Why? Because its their job to haul and stack the soil in the greenhouse, took them all of 20 minutes. Put them in a good mood and saved my back, all a win win in my book. By mid-March there will be no lack of work for them to do in the greenhouses, I hope they continue to want to work.

Going today to meet with a consultant about special needs planning for our girls. We need to get the ball rolling on this as currently we don't have anything set up. The biggest will be getting our wills and a trust set up for them, I hope yet again that we can provide some sort of support for them even after we are gone. If you are the bill payer, tax doer, family scheduler etc... that I am for your household, I will reccomend this bit of advice to you, start a notebook now with all the details for where, what, how on all those types of jobs you do, so your spouse has a chance if something should happen to you. In recent years I have lost friends to death and their spouse's are lost, they have no idea what needs to be done or where financial information etc are. On the flip side, if your the one who does all the maintenance and general work at your home, start on notebook on all the jobs you do and what needs to be checked and done. In doing so you will also give a gift of understanding to each other, that both are doing, both are working hard and sharing the responsibilities - just in different ways.

how do you explain it

2011-02-05T22:32:00.002-06:00

how do you explain to the world that your typical looking child is not typical at all! nothing we say seems to hit the mark. If one more person tells me that all teenagers act like that, I am going to do more than scream. We have a rare opportunity this coming week of having speakers coming to our area that have lived this, I am loading up the van and the car and any other vehicle I can get to have family and hopefully some friends hear from someone else what I have been trying to explain for the last nine and half years. I am tired, so tired and there just is no end in sight for the work - paperwork that needs to be done for our girls so that support will be there in case we are not... ugh! I feel a major rant coming so I better sign off, my resolution this year is not to whine so much but to continue to seek solutions, not further the depressive state that our future holds.

hallelujah!

2011-02-02T08:39:00.000-06:00

The sun is coming out, the plow just went by and my greenhouses should be in the 75-80 degree range by noon! yes - their is hope for today, getting my haircut this afternoon - will help me put on a new attitude as well. (It doesn't take much to make us rural-northerners estatic) Oh and Matt and the girls are all headed for work and school - the place is mine.... alllllll mine! ;0)

another difference

2011-02-02T08:03:00.001-06:00

Yet another difference that breaks my heart became apparent yesterday.
Growing up (just a few miles from where I live now) on snowstorm days or windy snow blowing days, if there was a school activity going on etc. we kids would make arrangements to stay at a friends house, that lived either in town or someone with 4-wheel drive. Because during winters like this one, the slightest wind meant we'd be snowed in at the farm and the only way out was to walk to the highway, not always a feasible maneuver.
Last night our girls had a pep band activity that they both really wanted to go to, however I barely made it down our road to pick them up from school and the wind out here was a steady 25-30+ miles an hour, hence we barely made it back home. Bucking snow drifts all the way, some well over the roof of the car. So I gave the girls the bad news, I wasn't going to do that in the dark - because I wouldn't even be able to see the gravel road, so they would not be able to go to pep band, which was in town between two local schools (that coincidentally were the only schools open yesterday in our area). I made the additional mistake of telling them this when we left their school to head home, explaining that I barely made it to pick them up. Matt had been home still recovering from being sick all weekend, so that helped - once we got home.

The difference - my girls don't have any friends to stay with. They don't have a back up plan or snow emergency plan, we are all they have and they resent it. Breaks my heart that this is probably how their lives are going to be for a long, long time. Few if any reliable friends and no where to go but home.

light hearted

2011-01-26T13:59:00.000-06:00

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth.... AMEN!

sigh

2011-01-11T22:17:00.000-06:00

same song second verse, not much better but it could get worse....

IEP meeting = waste of time = have to take it up to the next level

this all of course took two hours with nothing to show for it except one of our girls having a major wobbler on the way home, we had two vehicles both girls started flipping at school when we left, one chose to go with dad one with me, mine completely flipped and it was getting dangerous trying to drive with her so I pulled off to the side of the road, Dad pulled in behind me - we switched girls, my new one was nasty but not violent, Dad's was still screaming and banging when they got home then she took off running in the dark, in the cold, no coat, into the snow covered fields that surround our home. We found her, walked her home, calmed her down, fed her, gave her hugs and reassured her that we are here and we love her. She was good when she went to bed. God help us - what are we going to do?

Mom vs Advocate

2011-01-10T08:24:00.000-06:00

I'm going to list out some things that I hope someone can help with -
We have our annual IEP meeting tomorrow after school, many of the services and agreements in our current IEP are not being followed, I need to be non-emotional, upfront and no nonsense tomorrow.
First of all I will list our daughters disabilities
1. DCD - Developmental Cognitive Delay - IQ 68 (this is their qualifying disability for special education) mild to moderate MR, federal level 2
2. FASD - Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder
3. RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder and Disrupted Behavior
4. CAPD - Central Auditory Processing Disorder
5. History of abuse, neglect, trauma, social and cultural deprivation in early childhood (first 7 years)
6. Lived in orphanage for 5 years
7. Delayed speech and language, very limited

Our IEP states clearly that our daughters are not to be held to the standards that the state requires of students their age, as the required classes would not be realistic or benificial to their success. Our daughters are to registered for life skill classes and have remedial English and Math. (They are grade age equivalent of a 9-10 year old but are 16 in the 10th grade).

I have not received progress reports on any of the goals in current IEP, at last falls conference I was told that they were just starting to work on them.

Our daughters Math class is a pull out class, in theory they are to be working at an individual pace based on where each student is academically. However they are doing algebra, which believe it or not the girls can do the math with a para walking them through the steps, they've always been strong in following patterns, but the math itself has no meaning for them. They occasionally will work on a computer with a program to learn time and very rarely on money - which is set up like a regular math problem so they still don't get the real world aspect of money - at all. English is also a pull out class geared again for independant level working - the class will read books at about the 6th grade level, unfortunately our girls are still in the 2-3rd grade level so even this is beyond their comprehension and having the teacher read aloud is background noise with their CAPD and language delays.

Now I can go in there and make a huge stink, because our IEP is quite clear, I look at this as just furthering the neglect and deprivation from their earlier years - all the time we have wasted trying to get the school to understand the depth of the girls lack of knowledge and to accept their need for very basic life skill instruction. Our girls are high functioning enough that they can blend into the school population, their behaviors and attitude set them apart, their lack of social skills and impulse control make them very vunerable and given their cuteness - targets for every predator out there.

Our IEP states that they have a para one on one - not happening. There is supposed to be a para shadowing them during lunch, before and after school and in the hallways between classes, not happening. There is a para during lunch, however she's not shadowing but being a drill sargent on making the girls clean their plates etc...

What I'm looking for is valid, intelligent approaches to present to the staff to insure that the IEP will be followed. I have to sound credible and knowledgeable or this isn't going to work. The girls will be participating in the discussion for as long as they are able, they are working on writing down their concerns and letting us know what they would like to do after high school and what they need to get there. We have kept this all very realistic we know their capabilities at this time. I told Matt that if the staff gets beligerent or they go into the circle the wagons approach I will end the meeting and reschedule with the special education director for our district and if necessary then get an advocate to attend with us at that time.

I will be working today on writing out our agenda and the goals we need to set for the girls. Any hints, tips or advice would be appreciated. Also for those of you in my area, what are the real options for after high school educational setting for kids like ours?

Need to release

2011-01-05T09:35:00.000-06:00

I've been trying really hard not to negatively post about our family, we had a decent christmas holiday and we managed the school break without too much grief, Matt was able to take the week after christmas off as vacation so that was huge. I am finding however that I am so tightly wound and just feeling like I want to implode - inward, just cave and be done. If I could cry on demand it would be a sobbing mess, but would release me - I can't even make myself do that. I would rather laugh till I cried, but can't summon that emotion either, some romance novel scene with hubby would be great, but typically were both exhausted....
No one gets how the girls treat me, talk to me when I am alone with them. I am the target for their anger, frustration and negativity and then Matt comes home and all is right with the world. The girls are telling him what a great day they had, can they help him with something and so on and so on... and their I stand with my heart in my hand wondering how did my life turn into this? I am trying so hard to be a theraputic parent, one who responds rather than reacts. What am I teaching these girls? That it is okay to treat your mom like trash and kick her to the side when you feel better? These girls are closing in on 17 in 6 months, I feel like I am racing a giant time watch, its there just ticking and ticking away at all the time and effort wasted in trying to support my daughters. They are getting nastier and nastier with no conscience at all, no feelings of wow - maybe I shouldn't say that or do that to mom. nothing. absolutely nothing, within seconds of ripping me they want something from me and are so confused when I pause before giving - reminding them that most people would not be willing to help them after they treat them that way. They look at me like I am the one who is out of line. They do what they want, when they want, how they want regardless of others and sometimes regardless of themselves. Anytime they are confronted or made aware of certain behaviors or language etc... they get wicked nasty, immediately, there is no saving grace here. Occasionally they will do this to me in public, usually when I am chaperone to some school event, where again I am alone with them, without the protection of Matt or other family. They have tried this in front of my parents, who will not allow it and let the girls know that, it stops it in the moment, but then when we get home.... I know I'm in for it until Matt gets home. I also know that it is the damage and trauma done to them that precipitates the majority of their actions, but there is something else, something they do control that makes them attack me, its not right and I cannot bring myself to just take it with grace, its wrong - way to the bottom wrong. It is here where I am stuck, I don't want to do anything that will make matters worse but I feel in limbo, how do you respond to being treated this way? How can I turn this around?

I really thought I had myself brainwashed into believing that I could take this and keep moving forward, yet everyday it gets harder and harder. I find myself leaving the house and walking with our dog, or going to the greenhouses just to Not be in the same house with them. I find it harder and harder to be gracious and forgiving because this feels like it is on purpose, or why is it just me and not anyone who enters their line of vision? Why don't they treat their Dad this way? I have tried to tell myself that they choose me because they are more attached to me in a twisted sort of way, they know I'm not going anywhere.... that's the point of my misery I think.... I'm not going anywhere, the behaviors aren't going anywhere, the girls don't seem to be going anywhere, we as a couple don't seem to be going anywhere... I guess its a good thing I like living here on the farm ;0)

37 to 3 in less than 8 hours

2010-12-31T09:30:00.000-06:00

Felt like the tail end of March yesterday, glad the girls and I built our 7 foot snowman on Wednesday, he lost alot of weight yesterday :0( Sloshing through slush back and forth between the greenhouses and house, most of the original ice we got a month ago is gone, snowbanks have shrunk considerably and we have grass showing along the drifts in the yard. For those of us who live in this area this is life, we entered winter abruptly having a 70 degree day on Tuesday with a foot of snow on Saturday, transition time is brief and sudden.
We have made it through the Christmas season - at least the hectic part of it. Had a house full of people on Sunday with good byes lasting through Tuesday. Outside of the normal snarky and attitude of a bored teenager we didn't have many episodes that couldn't be ignored and left behind. I find myself very meloncoly though this week. I want so much for our girls but the possibilities seem far far away. I am also going through another immune flare and will be on pred for another month, they are watching my blood pressure as well as things just aren't right with me. As sad as I'm feeling you'd think my pressure would be very low, but alas things are not what they should be or could be.
I've been able to hide in the greenhouses, planting seeds and enjoying the quiet solitude these last few days.
My dad had major surgery on his foot the week before Christmas so I am trying to spend time over there as much as possible. He can't put weight on his foot for 8 weeks, which makes a very independant-stubborn man very ornery! Mom isn't very sure on her feet so I worry that she will do too much and then both will be down for the count. Dad has a knee scooter to use and that has saved him, he is pretty much able to travel the whole first floor on his own without assistance, this would be perfect if he would stay on the first floor, but no he has to drag himself down the basement and outside etc... only 6 weeks to go so I hope those two can hang in there! Mom isn't use to having Dad around all the time, he is always out busy doing something and this close encounter is testing their relationship immensely ;0)
The girls and I have been going over and shoveling, Matt has come and blown snow a couple of times and the girls love Mom and Dad and it gives someone new for Dad to tease and annoy, the girls of course really enjoy this!
Today Matt and the girls are in town, getting a new fridge (that we can't afford) as ours bit the dust yesterday, they are hoping to beat the newest storm heading our way, although I don't think we will be hit as bad as earlier predicted, just another nuisance really.
Awake most of the night, pondering - wondering how my life has become what it is, and what I can do to change it. Probably not much, but I know I have to learn to defend myself better for my own mental health and drop the concerns of other siblings for which I can do nothing to help solve. It remains ever present that the choices we make haunt us for a lifetime and only the person who is doing the choosing can ever change the outcome. I hold firm to truth, it appears to be the only path that will lead you from the darkness back into the light. I watched on Sunday as many folks around played with the truth, but choose instead to lie or fib or storytell whatever you want to call it. I sat/stood shaking my head and thinking to myself - who do they think they are fooling? only themselves apparently, sad just sad. SO I was listening to the Beatles and heard Let it Be, and the song ripples through my mind. There are times when you just have to let go and Let it Be.

Let it be

2010-12-28T22:14:00.001-06:00

Let it Be, Let it Be, Let it Be, Let it Be... Singing words of wisdom Let it be

Good Neighbors

2010-12-20T08:22:00.000-06:00

We are so lucky to live where we do. Our neighbors have a fancy snow moving rig and they've decided this year to help keep all their neighbors plowed out - what a blessing for us this year as the snow just continues to keep piling up. My parents are in this neighborhood as well, so I don't have to worry about them as they will at least have one drive cleaned out after each major snowfall. Dad is laid up now for the next two months - and Mom shouldn't be out in this weather anyway... so thankful and so timely this neighbor taking care of neighbor.
Snowing again this morning, with more to come - at least Matt and the girls headed out for school, not sure how long they'll be there, but I should have a couple of hours to go over to Mom and Dad's and check on them and do what I can.
So far we've been doing okay, still don't get communications from the school regarding behavior until its too late, not sure how to handle that. It would seem the more we request to be in the loop, the less they contact us. We've been spending alot of time as a family - gearing up for the holiday and no school, the girls like playing Apples to Apples so we've been doing alot of that, we have a few card games they like to play as well. They are still playing the food control game, we are ignoring it as best we can. I have to ask other teen mothers this question - What is that smell!!!!!! I am trying to determine if it is just my girls that smell so bad, or do all teens smell like this. The school hasn't said anything, but I can barely stand next to them somedays. It's on their clothes and room and bedding, I wash everything and make them bathe etc.... it has to be in their sweat.... what is it and how do I get rid of it! This can't be helping their social status at school much.
Better go - lots to do before they close school early, again, with a high likelyhood of late start again tomorrow.... both girls have warned us that they can't handle school being late again. All we can say is that we have no control over the weather and somehow they will have to handle it, it is what it is.

Snarky

2010-12-09T13:11:00.000-06:00

My favorite word these days - Snarky, it pretty much sums up all of those wonderful attitude/behavioral issues!
After a slight mishap on the way to school today - alternator went out on our van when Matt and the girls were half-way to school. I went in dropped off the jump-pack, took the girls to school etc... and thankfully the sun decided to shine once I got home. A reprieve as you will. Slowly but surely making a dent in greenhouse ordering, altho' placing a simple order this morning took almost 2 hours.... parts of this business I dislike immensely. Still have a way to go on my gigantic to do list, but each one crossed out is one less to deal with.
Hoping the girls are in a better place today when I pick them up. I'm starting to get a wee bit snarky myself. Can't fight em' - join em'.... isn't that what the old philosophy is? Oh - that's right traditional, old philosophy strategies don't work in this house, dang.

2010-12-07T11:32:00.001-06:00

thought the title might get some of you to smile! I am trying to find a handcranked nut crusher for some of my holiday baking. You know the ones that you put the walnuts/peanuts in the top, turn the crank and walah! crushed nuts for rolling cakes in or spreading over the tops of desserts. I had one for years but last year about this time could only find the bottom jar, the crusher was missing..... I couldn't find one last year and used a hammer and plastic bags, extreme perhaps but we got it done. I know lots of you are cooks and thought perhaps you may have an idea where I could find one of these. I have to make mocca cakes! they are my weakness this time of year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

peace to all

What has gotten into her!

2010-12-07T08:10:00.000-06:00

This is a daily statement that either Matt says or I do in regards to one of out daughters. She has gotten so surly and snarky in the last couple of months that you cannot even attempt polite conversation. She will rip your head off in one room, then 5 minutes later wrap her arms around your back and snuggle and say she loves you. Then a half hour later gets in your face and is snarky and mean again.... this goes on and on and on..... part of us knows we just have to wait this period of time out, but doggone it, it makes our family life and wanting to do things with her very difficult. Our other daughter is doing so much better, she is gaining some control and seems to be maturing a bit, however being twins she feeds off her sisters emotions which then produces a slightly less snarky teen, but not very pleasant to be around regardless. I feel bad for Jules because I have had to not go places I would like to take her, simply because I don't know what her sister is going to do. I feel I'm letting her down, not giving her what she needs right now, cuz my energy is caught up in her sister.

I'm so tired of playing detective and police, while many moms fall into that same position with their neurotypical children - those kids seem to learn from their past behaviors and then choose whether or not to continue. This impulsive aggression and lack of cause and effect our daughters have make wanting to keep them around very hard.

We get the impression that Tori, the one being difficult right now, is trying to push us to the point of no return so she can report us and in her mind she will get to then do whatever she wants.... We refuse to engage, we walk away, she's left holding the bag. We repeatedly tell her that we are seeing how angry or how scared or how upset she is, is there something we can do for her to help - NO, I DON'T NEED ANYTHING FROM YOU! is the reply we get - so as the pro's are teaching us, we back away and give her space. She seriously has no comprehension what her words, body language, and attitude does to those around her, I take that back, she sees it - she gets a jolt of adrenaline and the sense of power, what she refuses to see is the damage she does and why then people, students, teachers, parents get frustrated with her and really don't feel like going that extra mile to help her.

The combination of RAD and FASD with DCD and CAPD and the speech and language delays they have, make both our daughters a very complicated and tangled mess. They function well enough on the outside to appear to be just average teenagers, cute/sassy/outgoing, the very things that put them at extremely high risk. If Tori acts up one more time at school, we were informed via her worklog (what a joke!) that she will be escorted to ISS. Yet not one word at conferences about what is going on - no concerns in any areas from the staff. Ugh!
rumplestilskinpicklerelish!!!!!

My dear Matt has had it with how I am treated, so my goal for the next several lifetimes ;0) is to try harder at not taking it personally when I am attacked, to handel my own emotions better and respond rather that react as I have lately been doing. Somedays I have no trouble rolling it all off my back and trudging forward, but somedays they go for blood the minute I pick them up from school. I can't sabotage Matt's progress with the girls in his need to defend me. He is doing what husbands should do, protect the Mom and present as a team, however in my mind at least one of us has to maintain a positive relationship with our girls or we will loose them to the real world. None of us are ready for that.

headlines

2010-12-01T20:04:00.000-06:00

woman throws granddaughter off a walkway, girl dies. father in michigan under arrest for the abduction of his three young sons, still missing. father sexually assaults daughter - for years. wife shoots husband for insurance money. it never seems to end, everyday another headline, everyday more people doing horrible things to others for their own selfish reasons... little to no thought to the victims or their families. one reason why we don't get a newspaper - however my daughters seem to thrive on this kind of news and we get a daily update of all that is wrong in our society, an update of students that have been put into custody for drugs or stealing or fighting or making threats at their school. I'm gonna say it one more time - my daughters seem to thrive on this kind of news -

I look at my girls and I see the innocence behind their anger and fear, the nasty words and hurtful behaviors, unfortunately that's not enough. How do you successfully parent and support a child, that through no fault of their own has all their wiring crisscrossed, burned out and tangled up! Not only do our girls have trauma/neglect induced brain injury, they also have FASD and DCD comingled with additional secondary disabilities. The Hope, and I do not use this word lightly, the Hope that we have, albeit very tiny, is that somehow we can untangle enough of those wires to get a few of the critical circuits connected and working again.

Hope, a small word, associated with dreams and what ifs, coincides with faith, the belief of the invisible and unknown. I have Hope hanging on my wall, and I have Hope that my girls will "get it" before they move out and have to deal with the real world. Cuz, as hard as we try our home is not real - they don't face the consequences here that they would in the real world.

small word - Hope, gigantic to those of us with nothing else to hang onto.

Mama Lynn = trauma

2010-11-22T10:10:00.000-06:00

Our girls were seven when we brought them home. All the women at the orphanage went by Mama ____, when we were introduced to the girls we were Mama Lynn and Papa Matt, because my Dad is known as Poppa to all the grandkids we switched Matt's title to Daddy Matt. It never occurred to us that by leaving me as Mama Lynn I was therefore included with the multitudes of women who worked at the orphanage. Overtime my title was shortened to Mama and now as teens Mom or if their in a mood - Mother - ;0) in which case I reply "yes, daughter?".
So when I heard my daughter screaming for Mama Lynn a few weeks ago - it jolted me clean down to my bones. She had whacked her head on a low door way coming down our stairs, our girls have huge pain tolerance, rarely show us big hurts, so this one really scared her if she was calling for me in her baby voice. She was terrified, literally scared to death. I must have held her for at least an hour, rocking her, rubbing her back, softly talking to her. She had a death grip on me, was screaming and barely able to catch her breath, wouldn't let an inch of air between our bodies, I could feel her fear.

It makes me wonder all the more about the early trauma in their lives. We know from their records that there was at least one occasion where they were seperated due to an injury that required stitches. I also know from other international families, that when children in the orphanages had reason to go to the hospital - many did not come back.... We always have taken that knowledge into consideration as to why they don't show us their big injuries, only the ones that can be fixed with a band-aid and a kiss. Deep down they fear being taken away and not coming back.

When our girls do get a big injury or feel great pain - they try to hold it in, they may body thrash or someother body tossing movements, but they will NOT admit they are hurt.

I fear for them. I hope that in time our committment to them - our unconditional love - will heal those wounds that are buried deep within their conscious, that someday they will truly feel that they will not be taken away and not return.

It's Monday again, already!

2010-11-22T08:26:00.000-06:00

I kept thinking yesterday - it can't be Sunday, where did last week go? It scares me how fast time is slipping by, so much to do, so many things that have slipped through my fingers. Zip Zip Zoom Zoom Nothing to do but bow my head, lean into the breeze and plow forward...

There are times I am jealous of my daughters ability to wake up each day, start fresh and new, without a thought of what had happened - or not happened as the case may be. To not worry about the future anymore than they dwell on the past, but to just live in the moment and continue to move on.

The above picture is an old family picture from one of our campouts, more people have been added to this bunch, roughly about 15, since it was taken. They are all coming here for christmas.... yikes!

just for you

2010-11-19T22:26:00.000-06:00

Hanging in there - I was able to give my daughter the gift of understanding and love tonite - which she so badly needed.

I cannot speak outloud ever again - yet I know I will

2010-11-17T22:25:00.000-06:00

I should never speak out loud, I should never feel as though a hurdle has been jumped and we can move forward - always, always, always it is thrown back in my face and I am faced with being nothing more than a hypocrite who spouts great wisdom and encouragement only to find that I really don't have a clue. I am so looking forward to my school conference tomorrow, being ringed by the school staff who want answers, as I do, who love my daughters, as we do, but don't - simply don't have a clue what to do that will have any long lasting impression or ounce of true change ....

rumplestilskinpicklerelishrumplestilskinpicklerelishrumplestilskinpicklerelishrumplestilskinpicklerelish!
(the above is my attempt at finding expletives that express my frustration and cannot be bleeped! my dad's idea....;0)) If you say it enough times you can't help but laugh at yourself...

heavy lifting

2010-11-17T08:43:00.000-06:00

Way back when our girls were little, I had them in physical therapy/sensory therapy, one of the key components to helping them calm down and regain control was deep joint excersise. Over the years our girls have come to realize the value they receive from such excersise. Whether it was doing fun games, like leap-frog, jumping-jacks, running, deep knee duck-walks or lifting. Now we are to the point that when they are feeling anxious, stressed, or out of sorts - they seek these types of movement.
Yesterday after school my Julia - on her own - went out and unloaded the wood wagon and proceeded to start stacking it to dry. My Tori immediately put on her PJ's and flopped on the couch. After a few minutes Tori wanted to know where her sister was and where our dog was. I suggested that she could put on her snow gear and go outside and see. That perhaps some fresh air might help her feel less tired. She hemmed and hawed awhile, but boredom and curiousity got the best of her, and soon she was helping Julia with the wood pile. Julia came in when Matt got home, and we told Tori she didn't have to finish as it was starting to get dark. Tori insisted that she needed to keep going for a little longer - it was making her feel better! So even if it seems to happen at a very slow pace, and you don't feel you can wait it out - please hang in there. Given time, patience and opportunity our kids can learn healthy ways to soothe themselves, life lessons that will give them chances in their future.

adrenaline rush

2010-11-17T08:08:00.000-06:00

I was talking with a friend yesterday and we were discussing our kids ever increasing need to have that surge of adrenaline - its what they know and where they feel comfortable. While our violent outbursts have diminished greatly we still have to deal with the need for that shot of adrenaline.
My one daughter likes to sneak things - to see if she'll get caught... etc.. but what she is best at is telling stories, very believeable stories of her own making, they might have a toeprint of truth in them, but fiction at its best.
She told a whopper last night, even in the course of telling it her details got vague or altered. Matt and I acknowledge the story - about a pretty severe car accident in front of their school - and told her we hope no one was injured. She not only heard the crash, but also knew that the driver was a student at our local college. Stephen King eat your heart out, we could write a collection of mysterious short stories. ;0)
Both Matt and I knew from the get go that this was a whopper, we caught each other's look and smiled. It really reminds me of my nephew, who, when he was younger could tell stories like crazy, he always had one. Again it may have started with a grain of truth but developed into some fantastic adventures. On one hand some people would say that we need to correct her and we will when she is naming names and involving real people, but these fantasy stories she tells.... well she got her rush thinking we believed her, she was able to have something to talk about at supper, and by this morning she had already forgotten all about it. Noone corrected my neurotypical nephew all those years ago, he was using his imagination, being creative. He outgrew it, we hope someday she will as well. Developmentally she is probably about the same age he was even though her body is screaming 16.

Food issues

2010-11-16T08:43:00.000-06:00

In our house FOOD has always been a top priority. Our girls spent their first seven years seeing food as a tool for survival, both respond differently.
It is a control issue - their need to survive - in the beginning their was alot of hoarding, gorging and a need to have something to eat on their person at all times. We slowly grew out of that. We also had refusal to eat and picky eating on occasions. We figured it out - certain flavors and textures were too much when they were younger. We've worked through alot of that.
The school has a para that shadows our girls at lunch, mostly due to inappropriate behavior - also at our request to let us know if they are eating/overeating, without the girls knowing. It gives me a sense of their stress levels.
Since we have worked on this area for 9 years, we have a idea of what is normal for each girl. When their pattern deviates too much (more than typical mood shifts)- we know something else is triggering it. Food is NEVER used as a control here in our home. The girls have free access to fruit, sandwich fixings, snacks etc.... they need to know deep within that there will always be something to eat, its part of our attachment, to provide that comfort and nourishment. We still work with Tori to get her to slow down and breath when she eats, to take small portions first then have more. Tori still doesn't get the Full feeling. Julia has always been more picky, slower to eat, more thoughtful.

So to get to my point - Julia flipped out on me last night when I noticed her shoving a bagel in her pants. Why? because one of the para's at school insisted she clean up all the food on her plate at lunch and has been making a huge issue out of what she eats etc... Hence Julia couldn't eat at all, she was so stressed out - therefore by the time she got home she was hungry - really hungry.

How can I reiterate to the staff, that they are not to make eating at lunch a big deal. We asked them not to let the girls know they were being monitored. Instead they write in the girls worklogs exactly what they had etc... so now the control aspect gets more twisted. The girls know they will eat when they get home - so they will refuse to eat in front of the para, just to show her that they can. Or in somecases they will shove all the food in their mouths as fast as they can, be inappropriate, then feel sick. Somehow we need to get food off the control table.

I have conferences this week and I have to get them to not continue with this. Our girls eat well here, so if they can't physically eat during school due to stress levels, I pack them snacks they can have when they can calm down and gain control. (granola bars, trail mix, shredded wheaties etc.)

Our night ended well, both Matt and I were able to talk with Julia once she was calm, and explained to her that while we would like her to eat lunch - we understand that somedays it can be hard. That if all she wants is a salad, that's fine etc...