trying to be positve

I don't blog much, I don't call anyone much, truly I have put my self into self imposed isolation.  Why?
Because in doing so I feel I can make this work.  I can somehow learn to let go of my daughters, grieve, do whatever it is I'm in theory suppose to do.  Then I get this urge to write something down, I swore I would only be positive in my blogging, yet each and every time while I feel a sort of peace in doing it, I inevitably pay for it.
We've got really good kids, they cause less trouble then most teens their age.  Yet there is this void, this part of our relationship that is so fake, so phony, so unreal to the rest of the world.  We believe truly that our girls are as attached to us as they will ever be.  We are the first ones they lie to, the first ones that they try and rage against, the first ones they push every button known to a child. 

I did not respond, I did not give in to the reaction that was building inside me, I did not scream, rant or rave.  I cried, quietly within, not letting them see it or feel it.  I can't.  If I show them weakness when they are on the attack all is lost.  I detached.  The very thing we are trying to overcome, I am finding I need to do in order to survive.  Its not right, It feels so wrong.  Yet because I didn't react, we had no rages, no violence, no words that could hurt the heart.  I should feel proud that I maintained, I held up, but I don't.  I feel empty.